Of Revenge, PurpleBlue Monster and SingALongs
by rainbowdragongirl101
Summary: Wait, what? A parody of HetaOni? Why, yes it is! To all the fans who have cried, screamed, and tried to punch Steve through the screen we present THE parody of HetaOni in which AoOni wants revenge on his rival. Multi-pairings, the abuse of doors,annoying sing-a-longs, references galore and maybe even some dancing included. WE love HetaOni Co-written with bluerainbowrose/Chris-chan
1. Prologue of DOOOOMMMMMMM

**Authors Note **

**Located At Bottom**

Warning(s): Abuse of doors, knives, a naked monster with an identity crisis, attempted murder, mentions of attempted suicide, surrealistic happenings, and an abundance of references.

(Note: If you do not wisht to read the prologue just scroll to the end and read the preview of the next chapter, thank you.)

* * *

It had been such a nice dream. No evil clowns with knives or salivating dogs begging to eat socks, which was pretty gross since the socks were never washed. Yes, such a lovely dream full of Hetalia characters running around, blue cats flying in and out of clouds, and where there was no anxiety or war. It was perfect…Too perfect actually.

Suddenly the cats started to fall and turn bright pink and sing an annoying tune as they commanded the dirty socks to chase the salivating dogs. Clowns started to appear only they were being kicked by knives, which had to hurt, and England started screaming something about food.

**HetaliaHetaliaHetaliaHetalia!**

"NOOOOO!" Christina screamed, jolting awake, smacking at the invisible scones in front of her just as her door opened with a loud BANG, the knob slamming into the wall, again, which was already dented from abuse. Without even needing to turn she knew who it was, no one else would be awake at this obnoxious hour, 9 A.M. on a summer morning.

"Wakey, wakey eggs and bacy~" Savannah called as she walked in, seemingly skipping as she approached her little sister. And no, she was not caring a platter or plate with afore mentioned food, it was a lie!

Christina only groaned, turning back over to try and sleep a little more.

"Sestra, it's time to get up."

Christina hissed and tried to kick her, which she realized was a bad idea (like every time before) as her older sister went tsundere (which was more often than not) and loomed over her threateningly, glaring daggers at her before grabbing the foot that kicked her and pulling Christina off the bed.

"Jesus!" Christina yelled angrily, sitting up with teary eyes (IT WAS JUST A REFLEX!).

"You wouldn't get up. Besides, I made French toast." She stated, walking towards the door when she suddenly tripped, "Sweet merciful...Screw that. SHIT!" Christina watched in slight amusement as her sister cussed out her own laptop –which Christina had been allowed to borrow- before picking it up and hugging it lovingly, whispering to it how much she loved it…Which was only just in case computers did have feelings and decided to commit self assassination if it felt unloved, but that was Savannah for you.

"Hey, what's this?" Savannah asked as she began to browse over the page Christina had written just hours ago. A few minutes passed before she finished reading and a shit eating grin appeared on her face.

'Well this can't be good.'

"Let's write a parody!"

Well, _that _wasn't what she was expecting but if her older sister wanted to ignore the magical starsign fanfiction then-Wait…A parody?

"What?"

Savannah strutted over to the curtains before flinging them open, setting the laptop down on the desk, and throwing the window open dramatically, "Yes, a parody for those fans that have cried, have screamed out in the dark, for those that nearly shit themselves when Steve appeared to torment the young heroes. For justice and out of complete boredom a parody shall be made!"

'Wait a second, Steve…Oh wait, noo.' Christina thought.

"A parody of HetaOni shall be born!" Savannah finished, seeming to glow as sparkles appeared around her pose (hand extended with finger pointing towards the horizon with one leg propped on the sill. Her mouth was also open a bit in a far off smile, as were her eyes).

Christina shook her head, "You've been reading too much USUK again, haven't you."

Before she could respond a few people started pulling up their windows yelling, "Who's making all that racket!"

"I plead the fifth! Quick, offensive maneuver six!" Savannah stated, closing the window and curtains. "Phew, all that made me hungry let's go eat!"

Christina sweatdropped but followed her sister down the stairs, hey she wasn't one to pass up free French toast and her sister's was always really good. Once she got her plate she began to bathe the food in syrup, eating seven pieces was no biggie but if there wasn't syrup…There would be hell to pay.

Her sister sat next to her with three pieces and was reaching to take the other bottle of syrup when she stopped before quickly grabbing something that was hidden behind the napkins, "Beanpaste!"

Christina just continued eating as her sister began to spin around, cuddling this 'beanpaste' to her. And people thought she was hysteric off her medication…But, usually her sister was more composed and tsundere no matter if she'd taken her meds or not. This was a bit strange.

"Sis, that's a mochi." Christina finally stated once her sister settled down (That was the sestra she knew and loved).

She shrugged, teetering back and forth while faintly singing, "Yummy, yummy, yum-yumm-yumm. Gonna make me a fried potato.

She shook her head as her sister got up and headed to the kitchen, not taking her seriously. At least that was until she heard the spray of canned canola oil and the stove being turned on. Taking a few more bites of her breakfast she ran into the kitchen, "Sis you-"

"Where's your plate? I'm not your maid, go get it!"

Sighing Christina went back and got her plate, washed it off in the sink, and put it in the dishwasher. "Now as I was saying, you can't-WAIT!"

Savannah looked up from the frying pan in confusion before it clicked. "Oh yeah, I forgot the butter. Can you pass it to me?"

"NO! NOT THAT!"

Savannah stared at her younger sister quizzically as she holds the pan half way over the fire; the mochi cowering on the unheated side. "What then?"

"That's not beanpaste." Christina stated, hoping her sister would get it.

"Of course not, it's a mochi and I'm going to fry it up and eat it."

"Really? It's mochiMerica! Jesus, it has glasses and eyes for FINLAND-AND-SWEDEN-YOAI-FANFICTION'S sake!"

"Well, PruMano and SpaMano are better!" Savannah fired back.

"Exactly, now no eating the mochi." Christina stated, moving over to turn off the stove when she was intercepted.

"Stare into its eyes, look at those blue eyes…Like jolly ranchers. Look at its texture, smooth and creamy. What a beautiful color, like rice smeared with butter, so...yummy." Savannah stated, ignoring how what she just said could be taken MANY different ways.

Christina stared at the mochi that looked up at her with big pleading eyes, hoping to be saved. She turned to her sister, "I am not going to eat that. It's undercooked."

The mochi's hope died. Brutally, like Sirius Black.

"Great! I brought ketchup and pepper."

As Savannah went back to trying to get the mochi to cook with a spatula, Christina grabbed some graham crackers to snack on before getting a strange feeling.

"Hey, sis."

"Yes, what is it?" Savannah asked, trying to push the mochi towards the center.

"Do you hear breathing? Like a person who has really bad asthma?"

"Do you need your inhaler? Is Alex home? She might need hers."

"No! I do not need it! You do know that Alex went to Jersey, right?"

"Oh yeah. Well, now that you mention it, I do hear some creepy music and I think the basement door is opening but…" Both simultaneously looked at each other and then the mochi before all three slowly and dramatically turned around.

"I brought the marshmallows and chocolate." The Ao Oni monster stood behind them with a large bag of each afore mentioned foods.

All four stared at one another before Savannah, being the older sister, picked up the huge ass steak knife from the knife holder. "What the hell do you want? I may not know how to use this but I was shooting Nazi zombies yesterday!"

"Didn't you die?"

"Shut-up."

The big purple monster set down the foods on the counter and sighed heavily, shoulders slumping, "Why does everyone I meet do that?"

"Grab knives and say they play Call of Duty: Black Ops because of their sister's, who's in Jersey, girlfriend?"

"Well, maybe not exactly but people do tend to freak out and grab projectiles. I once was slapped with a Teddy bear, A TEDDY BEAR! My brothers still laugh at me!"

"O-okay, well please go sit on the couch…" Christina stated, not sure what else to do. She turned to her sister to ask what they should do but sweatdropped as Savannah was sniffling, wiping away her tears. "Oh, that poor, poor thing, I would hug him but he's naked and his muscles scare me a little."

Christina scoffed, "There's a huge ass monster in our house that's naked, and you're crying because he was slapped by a Teddy Bear?"

"Nope, I was just setting the mood. Go bring him juice, I'll be there soon. Start a conversation, you know what to do." Savannah stated as she handed her sister a cup of juice and pushed her into the living room, ignoring Christina's protests.

**HETALIAHETALIAHETALIAHETALIA~**

Christina stood in the living room, staring at the old wallpaper as she tried to think of something to-WAIT! She had juice. "Umm, here, my sis told me to give this to you." She said, feeling extremely awkward as she handed it some juice, which ironically was purple…Since when did they have grape juice?

"Thank-you."

"Yeah, sooo what are you doing here anyway?" Christina asked, hesitantly moving to lean against the arm of the couch, which put a bit of a distance between them.

The Ao Oni monster covered his face with his hands, like he was stressed or crying. "Oh, it's horrible! Simply despicable! Please, I need help! Just the other day I tried to hang myself-"

"Did you use Christmas lights?" Christina interrupted.

"No." The Ao Oni monster replied.

"Well no wonder you failed. Rope is too mainstream. You need something more creative."

The Ao Oni monster stared at her stoic placid expression before deciding to not eat her. "Anyway, I desperately need your help."

"You came to the right place, don't you worry we'll find a way to fix your fashion crisis." Savannah suddenly stated from her spot in an armchair, which she was spread out on while smoking a fake pipe with a small notepad in her hands.

"That's not my problem! ...What's wrong with the way I look?"

"Hun, you're blue-purple and naked. That grape juice goes more with you than anything. Please pick a colour, are you purple or blue?"

"What? Wait, this isn't my problem!"

"Denial!" Savannah proclaimed as she threw an accusatory finger at him. "From my notes I've deducted that you are depressed and suicidal due to not knowing your sexuality or colour!"

Christina stifled a laugh as the Ao Oni blushed.

"Now red! Please, I respect homosexuals but this is ridiculous! Does red mean a-sexual now?"

"NOO! That is not what I came here for now listen to me or I'll eat you!"

"I can see why you don't have friends. Temper, temper." Savannah stated as she continued to scribble down her notes.

Ao Oni just facepalmed but decided to get to the point, "I am here to get revenge."

"Quick, someone get some popcorn!" Savannah stated, knowing that the climax was nearing.

"For over a year now I have been mocked by embarrassing videos on youtube. Children and adults used to fear me but now all they do is laugh at me."

Savannah stage whispered to Christina, "Well yeah, he needs a nose job and eye job."

"I've become less scary and more and more people are ignoring me. And it's all because of _him_! That pompous arse who stole my spotlight! I hate him sooo much!"

"Excuse me but when did you become British?" Savannah asked, noting the accent towards the end.

"I've eaten quite a few Englishmen in my time." Ao Oni stated.

"Moving on." Christina stated, knowing that her sister adored accents, "So what do you want from us-"

"Wait!" Savannah yelled, "I know what he wants!"

The others stared at her non-to-expectantly.

"From my notes I've deducted that you want revenge!"

"No duh! Your notes are just pictures of fish and…Is that a dinosaur eating a volcano?" Christina asked.

Savannah glared at them, "Let me finish! Now as I was saying, you want revenge on Steve from HetaOni for stealing your story and spotlight, and for those embarrassing pictures at the Christmas party. Not to mention making those funny videos of you using some film and talking or singing. Oh, and let's not forget how he mocked you and stole tricycle-"

"Yes, you got it! Now, you mentioned earlier about making a parody for HetaOni, correct?"

"Yup, sure did."

"Well, I'm prepared to give you full access to the script and characters, all you have to do is…" He begins to whisper as the two listened intently.

"Wait, does this mean we get to really make this a parody, like switch words around and have several pairings?" Christina asked, just making sure this was legit.

"Yes, but we'll discuss the details later. Now, do we have a deal?"

"Does the Pope like Prada?" Savannah asked seriously.

"Ummmmm…Yes?"

"Then we have a deal!" Savannah stated jumping up, "Let's celebrate!"

She pulled out some fire wood from behind the chair and threw a match on it before also picking up her frying pan where MochiMerica was just starting to wake up.

Christina and Ao Oni blinked but didn't question these things, this was now a parody after all. Anything could happen.

Savannah tossed the phone as Ao Oni before picking up her older sister's stolen phone. "Let's make some calls girls."

"Umm…I'm a-"

"Yes, hello, I would like one large pizza and an order of cue cards, yes large. No, put the tap under Bond. James, Bond."

Seeing that his impending death lay before him mochiMerica decided to make a final attempt at escaping while the others were occupied. He jumped from the pan and began to…slither/run/dash away? Yeah...Okay, let's go with that.

~I'm Free~ the mochi thought, in a very deep sing-song voice, as he approached the front door.

It was locked.

~Never mind~

* * *

_A deserted house in a mountain about three hours on foot from the World Summit._

_No one knows how long it has been there or who used to live in it._

_Rumors had that it was..._

"Woah, wait a minute!" Savannah stated, crossing her arms as she looked over the script.

"What?" Christina asked a bit defensively, the intro seemed fine enough to her.

"This is a parody, we should change it up a bit."

"Well what do you have in mind?"

"A deserted mansion located in Lolly mountains, about three hours from the World Summit.

No One but Tony knows how long it's been there or who used to live in it (except the landlady and her thirty cats).

Hot, juicy rumors had that it was…"

"Hmmmm, I like it but can we change the mountains name?"

"Yeah sure, how does Paedo-Bear or Lampsquid mountain sound?"

"…Let's go with Lolly."

"Okay day~" Savannah stated, rewriting some of the script, "Hey sis I made a sign."

"…Really?"

"Yup! Just…PULL THE LEVER!"

"If it falls on me I am kicking your ass." Christina stated, knowing that she really wouldn't be able to, as she pulled the lever.

Sparkles and confetti began to rain down from the ceiling as a large paper rolled down, fireworks going off as it finished falling. In large rainbow letters were, WELCOME TO THE PARODY OF HETAOOMI

"...Savannah. It's spelled wrong."

"It's all part of the parody and say it like a Korean woman would, remember to stress the O in OOMI."

"Okay..."

"I'm glad you like it, now let's get started. Places everyone the prologue is ending!"

'Oh, this is going to be interesting.' Christina thought.

* * *

A/N: For those of you who read all this, thank you. This is only the beginning of our HetaOni parody, which will follow the story line but with more jokes. Like I said earlier, this fanfiction is dedicated for all those who cried, screamed, and ect while watching HetaOni. Other people who didn't like it? Well this is a parody.

We will make fewer appearances as this goes on. Hopefully. There probably won't be any other chapters that center around my sister and I (Savannah). This chapter was just a bit of plot-prologue, which will be crack-ish but with better sentences. XD

We hope you continue reading, don't forget to review.

Note: We don't mean ANY offense. Also, please note the references. Sometimes we will add 'links' for visuals.

**SNEAK PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER**

_Japan holds up a tape recorder and presses play._

_'The AWESOME ME has already memorized the script. Because I'm AWESOME! I'm sooo awesome that the script had to beg to even be allowed into my awesome brain. 'CAUSE IM AWESOME!_

_-In the far back ground- 'No you not dude, don't lie!'_

_Japan turns off tape recorder smugly._

_"What else do you have on there, Porn? I mean, I know you like that tentacle porn-"_


	2. Ch1 Enter The Haunted Mansion of A Diva

Warnings: Exploding bunnies, the abuse of fairytales, EXTREME German-Sexyness, a song that will haunt you, **Japan's L's are now R's**, themes, EXTREME Italian-Mood Swings the size of Eurasia, skeleton-head, and anger management.

* * *

**Chapter One: Enter the Haunted Mansion of A Diva~ **

**(Part One)**

The crisp mountain air, the sound of chirping birds, and wildlife galore all made the day, though a bit on the cloudy side, a sight to see. The mountain was brimming with specks of sunshine and such green foliage that was spotted with mountain flowers. Such a breathe taking sight that would have attracted tourists if it weren't for that one place. Deep into the mountain laid a colder atmosphere that gave little children cavities.

_A deserted mansion located in Lolly mountains, about three hours from the World Summit._

_No One but Tony knows how long it's been there or who used to live in it (except the landlady and her thirty cats)._

_Hot, juicy rumors had that it was…_

The ending line was cut off due to the chipping paint of the old sign, but Italy paid it no mind. No, he continued down the winding path, holding a basket of pastries for his sick grandma-

"Italy, this isn't Red Riding Hood!" Germany yelled in his heavy, and smexy, German accent, jogging to catch up with the half-nation. Damn, Italy was supposed to be lazy and slow. So slow that he would ask to be carried, which Germany would deny, but eventually would give in to and enjoy the feel of Italy in his muscular arms…Errr no, he meant that-

"Vee~~ But the quicker we get there the more time we have to-" Italy started, looking positively delicious-err-_exhausted_ to the German man as his brother jumped out of some bushes and onto the path in front of them. "Kesesesesesesesesese, I'm the awesome big-bad wolf!"

Italy 'eeped' and on reflex hid behind Germany, looking out at Prussia with his eyes closed but everyone knew Italy could see with his eyes closed, he had eyes on his sparkles after all.

"Bruder! This is not Red Riding Hood!" Germany yelled.

"Hansel and Gretel?" Prussia asked, pulling out a pair of short overalls and a white short sleeved shirt.

"Nein! Those are just fairytales which you may not act out at this time!" Germany screeched, but unbeknownst to him, deep in the woods two skipping children and a karate champion wearing a red hood were beating the poor gingerbread man for his money as the wolf watched while eating a small pig.

"You're such an unawesome killjoy." Prussia declared, throwing the Hansel outfit into some nearby bushes which would later be mysteriously sent back to his house with a note saying '_Seven Days'_ which would lead to _another_ long tale of death and unneeded apprehension, not to mention crying.

Germany rolled his eyes, he'd been called worse, as he walked away with Italy still gripping his arm. Oh yeah, he could get used to this.

"Hey, wait for the awesome m-CRAMPS!" Prussia yelled as he stopped, dropped, and rolled on the ground clutching his…Germany quickly covered Italy's eyes and re-turned them away from the scene.

Japan at that moment had decided to saunter back to his friends, having found the mansion, why did he always have to scout ahead anyway? He took one look at Prussia rolling around on the ground, Germany facepalming, and Italy talking to…Pasta? Yup, it was official. He was more than likely the only sane one there.

He coughed awkwardly, gaining their attention, "I found it."

"Good job Tropey! Now find the boy who fell down the-OUCH!" Prussia cried out as he clutched his arm where Japan had hit him with the hilt of his sword. "Baby, you shouldn't be so rough with the awesome me!"

Japan silently waited for Germany and Italy to walk ahead of them before speaking in a harsh whisper to the Prussian, "And if you want to stirr brag about your five meters, shut it."

Prussia's eyes widened a fraction as he began to sweat a bit, Japan could be scary, and manly called to his brother and Italy, "The awesome me demands to lead this escapade to Bunker Hill."

"Stop with the references already! America isn't even here!" Germany groaned, walking faster to try and escape the idiocy of his _older _brother. Damn it he needed some hellhounds! Gah, now he was making references! It was spreading through the air-NOOO! References!

Italy tried to ignore how fast Germany was walking or how good he looked sweating a bit. Now only if a bucket of water would pour on Doitsu so that he would take off his shirt, letting him feast upon the view as Germany pulled a bottle of Gatorade out of nowhere and took a looooong sip before flipping his wet hair seductively, the camera catching every move.

**SOMEWHERE ELSE**

"You heard him, get that recorded for later!"

"Already on it. The commercial will be in a few hours time."

"Heehee."

**BACK TO STORY**

"Vee~~ It's really here." Italy says while becoming moody all of a sudden…Someone was on their period or was angry because a bucket of water never fell from the sky. Curse you God, curse you!

"I thought it was just a rumor. I never thought we would actuarry find it..." Japan stated before turning to Prussia; waiting for him to speak.

Prussia though was too busy trying to figure out where those strange noises were coming from. He looked around before seeing some movement in the bushes and…glasses?

"Bruder, your lines." Germany whispered as he loudly faked a cough. Which effectively tore Prussia's mind away from the things in the bushes.

"What?"

"Your line!" Germany stated.

"HOLD IT! HOLD EVERYTHING!" Prussia yelled as he pulled out his script and began to browse through it, mumbling a few things as he searched for the line, "Can you repeat your last line for the awesome me?"

"Prussia~" Italy whined, "You said you had memorized the script. Vee~"

Prussia scoffed, "Since when?"

Japan holds up a tape recorder and presses play.

_'The AWESOME ME has already memorized the script. Because I'm AWESOME! I'm sooo awesome that the script had to beg to even be allowed into my awesome brain. 'CAUSE IM AWESOME!_

_-In the far back ground- 'No you not dude, don't lie!'_

Japan turns off tape recorder smugly.

"What else do you have on there, Porn? I mean, I know you like that tentacle porn-"

Japan puts a hand on the sheath of his sword in warning, angry tick marks beginning to appear on his face; because of course what he just said wasn't palatable, even if it was true.

"That's enough! Bruder just say your lines!" Germany demanded crossly.

Prussia rolled his eyes and pouted, "I don't wanna."

Japan and Germany glared at him, adding more of a chilling atmosphere for Italy to ignore as he talked to a dead skeleton head on the ground that he decided to name after his brother, "And so then Spain hit big brother France, it was so funny. But then-"

Finally after tripping, scraping his finger when he fell, and one My Little Pony band-aid later, Prussia was finally ready to say his lines, "It has such a desolate feel...Not bad considering it needs a serious paint job and-"

"I don't think it's very interesting though." Germany quickly interrupted, ignoring his brother's _hmph_ and immature five-year-old way of sticking his tongue out at him.

"Me neither. Can't we just rook at it from the outside and then go back?" Japan suggested as he spotted some...clothing in the bushes? Wasn't that America's Bomber jacket?

Before he could investigate Italy's whiny bitching-err-_adorable_ voice called out, "Aww~~ after all the trouble we had to find it? C'mon, let's just go in for a little while!"

Japan and the others ignored Italy's sudden mood swing as he left Roma-Skeleton alone.

"...Why so set on going in?" Germany almost stut-err-said in a manly German way, because Germany is _ALWAYS_ manly and isn't afraid of evil aliens or cock-blocks AT ALL.

Italy's smiley face suddenly turned dark as he suddenly pulled out a gun, and for some reason the bunny that was passing burst into flames, from the bushes that oddly looked like America's...And a two foot square machete. "Get in the house. Now. Bitch."

"As I am the responsibre one I ignore Itary's warped state of mind and gradry wark in." Japan said as he hurried inside the stupid house that wasn't HAUNTED AT ALL. Germany and Prussia rushed after him as Italy followed behind them, smiling all the while.

**HETALIAHETALIAHETALIA**

They walked in through the doors, glancing around while the door ominously slammed closed, like how France is usually greeted when he visits just about anyone (Read: England), but Japan and Prussia managed to peel Germany off the door and tried not to go into hysterics when they realized that the door was locked, and decided to go back to staring at the entrance way.

Italy glanced around, his attitude from earlier having disappeared, with his usual smile as he wiped a finger on the wood floor. "It's cleaner than I thought." He gleefully stated as he stripped off his shoes and slid around on the shiny floors. "Weeeeeeeeeee~ Veee~"

"Itary watch out for that,"

-Smack-

"Warr." Japan finished, but knew it was already too late.

Italy sat up shaking his head and blinking cutely at the wall with unshed tears. Rubbing the tears away he stood up and began to put his shoes back on, deciding to try the upstairs hall way instead, stupid walls, who put them there anyway?

While that was going on, Germany was still freaking out a bit, even going so far as to bend his knees a bit and do girly spaz-hands. "H-Hey. Can we go now?" He asked in a near squeak before taking off towards the door again when Prussia yelled "Boo" but collided with Italy, who had just finished tying his shoes without help, causing them to topple onto the floor with Germany on top, hands on either side of Italy's body, their faces only inches apart.

"Vee~" Italy mewed as he pecked Germany on the lips as the latter blushed. Italy smiled inwardly, now Germany would never remember that he'd just tied his own shoes, which meant he could get him to tie them for him later on! MWAHAHAHA!

"Kesesesesesese, this room isn't going to stay clean for long." Prussia teased but before the German could yell there was a loud shattering sound.

"HOLY FRIGGIN' SUN OF SPRITE!" Prussia screamed girlishly as she-err-HE jumped into Japan's arms in freight. The Japanese man took one look at the Prussian's ever nearing puckered face and immediately dropped him onto the floor like it was hot.

"OUCH! WHAT THE HELL!" Prussia screeched, oddly sounding like Brad Loekle.

"Kukukuku, It seems in my ord age-"

"RIGHT!" Prussia screams back as he glares at him before turning to his brother to bitch-err-complain. Instead he fell silent, smirking like the cat that ate the canary. "Kinky bruder, get him-"

"Prussia!" Germany started, blushing a bit.

Since the three were distracted and wouldn't listen to Japan the island nation stormed off in search of a glass of milk, some sake, and maybe he'd check his phone for updates on his other -cough-hobbies.

Pulling out his phone he waited for it to load before wanting to cry. No reception. Instead of silently brooding Japan decided to take out his anger on objects, like that door for example, but no matter how much he hashed at it with his sword or kicked it in anger it wouldn't open, stupid lock, but he did feel a bit better. Feeling accomplished, he turned and continued back on his path which ultimately led him to the kitchen. With a look around he nearly almost stepped on the shattered plate lying casually on the floor.

"The prate is...broken. I have to be careful not to hurt myse-ow." Japan clutched his bleeding palm as he stupidly tried to pick up a shard even though he said he WOULD be prudent.

After placing the shard in his manly fanny-pack he took out Prussia's confiscated crotch cloth and went towards the sink to...attempt to get rid of some of the GERMS. Yet, the water wouldn't turn on.

With an angry growl he opened the little cabinet doors and tried to fix the pipes but once he even breathed on it. Doom.

Japan quickly jumped on top of the sink to parry the onslaught of water but he relaxed too soon and couldn't avoid the waves that sprang up from the sink. With a twitching brow he stood up straight and decided to just go with the flow. This, oddly, was to sing and dance.

_Somewhere, out there,_  
_The sun shining in the puddle_  
_That's something what we call,_  
_The Water Cycle._

Japan pointed towards the ceiling as he began to twirl around the sink, the water seeming to surround him to the beat.

_Water from the little puddle turns to gas,_  
_EVAPORATION_

_The gas forms into puffy clouds,_  
_CONDENSATION_

_The clouds get heavy and the rain pours down,_  
_PRECIPITATION_  
_And more puddles on the ground_

_Oh the water cycle round and round_  
_Vapour goes up and the rain comes down_

_Water in the sky, in the ocean, in the ground_  
_its all in a cycle going round and round._

Japan kept going, the water making cloud pictures and moving in strange patterns. From nowhere Roma-skeleton head began to play the guitar like a pro.

_Some clouds look like a horses tail, that's cirrus (cirrus!)_  
_Some clouds look like cauliflower, that's cumulus (cumulus!)_  
_Some clouds look like a blanket of grey, that's stratus (stratus!)_

Though Japan couldn't hear them, water fairies began to repeat the cloud names.

_They are high clouds, low clouds, and in between clouds_  
_Fog on the ground is also rarely seen clouds_

_Yeah Yeah Yeah_  
_Oh the water cycle round and round_  
_Vapour goes up and the rain comes down_  
_Water in a river, in a glass, in a cloud,_  
_Its all in a cycle going round and round._

_When warm air meets cold air trouble brews_  
_That could mean a storm and thats bad news,_  
_A hurricane can form when that happens near warm water_  
_Look out if that storm reaches land._  
_Get out of the way, grab your sons and daughters._

_Crash!_

_Bash!_

_Boom!_

_And Kabam_  
_Oh no! We forgot uncle..._

Japan stomped his feet but ended up slipping on Prussia's crotch cloth, leaving the next part in a high squeak.

_Dan_

_Im ok, Im alright, I was just hiding in the garbage can._  
_He was hiding in the garbage_ can!

Japan woke up on the floor, feeling a bit dizzy but couldn't remember why. He had tried to fix the pipe and…He sat up, looking around but didn't see any water anywhere. His clothes were also dry. He got up and turned on the faucet, it was still broken.

Blinking to himself as he rubbed his head he walked out of the kitchen, thinking to himself that maybe he wasn't the sane one here.

* * *

A/N: Mwahahahahahahahahaha, I hope you enjoyed this chapter~ We worked really hard on it to finish this. Also, we swapped any words Japan says with 'L's in it to 'R's because of their accent. Our L's are apparently R's to them or something, so whatever. XP

Note:Fruits Basket Science Theater Presents: The Water Cycle! Inspired Japan's song, if interested just copy and paste the name above into the Youtube search bar, and suffer-err-_enjoy._

Also, we hope you enjoyed the references, if anyone doesn't get them all just say so and we'll start listing the ones we feel like listing.

Now Commentary From Christina:

That bitch stole my machete! –Punches wall but recoils in pain (Read: FORESHADOWING!~)-

**SNEAK PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER**

_Japan shifted, feeling uneasy, and could faintly hear something akin to heavy breathing. He swiveled from side to side in a panic trying to discover what was giving him…..Wait…Goosebumps? Hives? VEGETABLE JUICE! Oh no, this could only mean one thing!_

Also, who's the secret agent?


	3. Enter The Haunted Mansion of A Diva II

Warnings: EXTREME Japan-Sexiness/Break downs, mild language, crotch clothes, innocently lying objects that aren't so innocent, butts, toilets, non-existent animal abuse, teddybears, whips, water, references, Pairings, nose-bleeds, sudden tripping, and **Japan's L's are R's**.

* * *

**Chapter One: Enter the Haunted Mansion of A Diva~ **

**(Part Two)**

Japan slowly walked back to the entry way, and nobody was there. "Did they reave, after arr? Bitches, I spent three hours scouting for this shit mansion and they abandon ME! ME! THEY WIRR ROVE ME!" He shouted, stomping towards the door and trying to yank it open. It worked….Ish. The door did open, but slapped him in the face before closing and refused to spread again…"This isn't jerry!" Japan cried, falling to the ground in despair.

A spotlight suddenly beamed down on him as he bit his finger, eyes closed, before opening them slowly, making France proud, as he put an arm to his forehead and leaned back melodramatically, suddenly in a light grey yukata. "It wasn't supposed to be rike this. I could have been a star, a big shot, but no!" He whips his head to the side dramatically, hair falling into his eyes.

Go on now go walk out the door  
just turn around now  
'cause you're not welcome anymore  
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye  
you think I'd crumble  
you think I'd lay down and die  
Oh no, not I  
I will survive  
as long as I know how to love  
I know I will stay alive  
I've got all my life to live  
I've got all my love to give  
and I'll survive  
I will survive (hey hey)

Japan stood up righteously, feeling rejuvenated from that little number as he turned back around but suddenly the lights began to flicker and the walls began to ooze green slime, and his phone began to ring. Strange since he had turned it off and there was no reception.

"I-Is that a dairy o-occurrence?" Japan asked and his phone began to ring two more times, but when he answered… Nobody was there.

Japan shifted, feeling uneasy, and could faintly hear something akin to heavy breathing. He swiveled from side to side in a panic trying to discover what was giving him…..Wait…Goosebumps? Hives? VEGETABLE JUICE! Oh no, this could only mean one thing!

"I SHOULD OF HAD A V8!" Japan cried, running down the hall to the left. Seeing a door he tried to get in, but it was locked. As he turned to look for a new hiding spot he spotted a lone leek, sitting on the ground oh so innocently in the direction he just came from.

Japan began to back away slowly, wrapping his mind around all of it. He had goose bumps, a small patch of hives on his neck, and he saw vegetable juice. This would normally mean someone was coming to slap him on the forehead… But, with the leek added in this could only mean that…

Japan gulped as he continued to back away from the leek. "Miku if this is revenge for riking Rin better...I-I'm sorry." He stuttered, just waiting to see aqua hair at any moment. He kept backing up before hearing breathing behind him, quickly he turned around only to see a large grey ass disappear into a room and shut the door.

"Dear Buddha, I'm scarred! SCARRED!" Japan cried, rolling on the ground as he covered his eyes in mental pain. Finally after several minutes, he stood up nearly in tears, "Wha...What was that, just now? I...Maybe I'm getting tired...Prease, just ret it be from fatigue. Prease, that ugry ass wirr haunt me if not!"

Japan slowly stumbled into the bathroom, heading over to the toilet and proceeded to retch cats and fluffy bunnies, along with some beans as his head swam. Dear Buddha, I rearry need to stop watching Cougars, its scarring! I may need to throw away my hash brownies too… Nah, those are too good. Besides, an animar wirr eat them if I did. Which wourd be animar abuse (insert 'Awesome face').

After wiping his mouth of hair with his sleeve, flushing the bunnies and cats down the toilet, having to unclog the toilet when they all wouldn't fit, and after collecting the beans into his fanny-pack Japan left the room. He glanced at the other door where he saw the grey ass…Just to make sure it was just a dream he went over to the door and tried to open it.

It was locked.

Feeling sort of shaky but alright, Japan decided to head upstairs and search the second floor. After all, the others could be somewhere in the house since the main door was locked still. Calmly walking towards the stairs when he passed the fork in the hall and walked another few steps, froze, then walked backwards to see a figure…With aqua hair.

Japan screamed, loudly like a little girl (Like a true Bro), and ran up the stairs-taking those three at a time- as he ran away from the sight. Reaching the second floor he saw the wall about three-four feet give or take a few inches (Yay, BS-ing things!). Following that wall he continued left until coming to a door. He flung that shit open and lunged inside, slamming the door closed before putting his weight against it for a few minutes, just in case. After those minutes had passed, he flipped around so his back was resting against it, and sighed in relief. But, out of nowhere he felt dizzy and sank to the floor with his Teddy, sucking his thumb as he slept.

After a minute though, he awoke only it wasn't really Japan, his usual white outfit was died black and his hand was reaching towards his trousers to-

There was a vibration from his pocket. With annoyance he pulled out the comb and began to fix his hair, hey standing up and having your body running around is very dangerous to perfect hair –unless you're like Germany or a woman from the sixties with all that gel and hair spray, cause, you could really kill someone with that crap!-, before bending it in half and pulling out a little antenna like part that he put around his ear.

"Yeah, agent PubbyWubbyWubsYou, reporting for duty." He grumbled angrily, "Why the hell do I have to use that aliase!"

Over the headset Savannah rolled her eyes from the ultra secret control room where she could see everything going on in the mansion from the screens. Hey, even the room was tinted black with glowing screens and robots, which looked very similar to the ones from _Ghost in the Shell_, sat before the computers and gave the room the super-important-feeling.

"Well, it was punishment for slapping AoOni with that Teddy Bear."

"It wasn't even me you bitch-ow!"

"Thank you, Watchamacallit." Savannah said, looking at one of the female robots before speaking to KuroJapan again, now in tsundere mood, "Say it again you pussy and I'll gut you like a fish and use your intestines to decorate my Mum's embroidery. Not to mention I'll-"

"The point is that someone had to be punished, besides feel good that it's your only punishment. The other option was to stick you in a straight jacket and place you in a room with France while playing the song 'Candy Man' (By Aqua)." Christina interjected, her sister continuing to mumble for a few minutes before smiling brightly.

"Don't forget to stay on task! Tootaloo~"

KuroJapan groaned angrily as he put away his head set; now he had to find a way to give his other self back control without being caught. Maybe he should lay-

At that moment a large hammer appeared out of the ceiling and fell onto his head, knocking him out. But, as the dark licorice and chocolate bunnies began to creep in on him, he swore he heard Savannah laugh evilly.

'That bitch, I won't share my candy with her. Ever.' Then he faceplanted and fell asleep.

Not two minutes later Japan awoke, screaming as he spontaneously began to touch his whole body, feeling like he'd been electrocuted… He also had the strange urge to eat candy, but shook his head at the thought. Sweet Lord, he was going crazy!

While standing up and rubbing his sore head-Man he must have hit the ground hard- he noticed something lying on the bed, almost innocently. Moving closer he discovered it was Germany's whip.

"What is this doing in a prace rike this?" He asked, picking it up before recoiling when some unknown liquid began to leak from parts of it. Japan stared at it for a few more seconds before pulling out his phone and began taking pictures of it for later reference… And blackmail if ever needed. Satisfied, he pulled out Prussia's crotch cloth and cleaned off the handle before taking out some disinfecting spray. After the whip was decent enough Japan allowed himself to touch it with one ungloved hand.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'rr beat you into obedience! Bow before me!" Japan declared, laughing like a madman before stopping and placing the glove back on his hand. That whip… No wonder Germany was such a macho dominatrix and mostly in control. That power sorta…felt good. Making sure no one was watching-you never know, fangirls or spiders might be hiding under the bed… He knew that all too clearly now- he took off one glove and held the whip for another few minutes before regaining control of himself.

With dignity he started walking back towards the stairs before tripping over nothing but air, which took skill but he was a ninja after all, and face planted, again. Cursing to himself he stood up and decided that the door at the end of the hall looked dark and scary enough to enter.

Walking inside he instantly noticed the shaking curtain. Deciding it was one of his friends Japan crept closer towards the curtain before trying to make his voice as deep as he could when he spoke. "Little boy, have you seen my puppies?"

Germany suddenly screamed, "NOOO! NOT ZE PUPPIES!" He shook and began to flail around wildly, getting tangled in the curtain, screaming, "No! The references!" As Japan tried-and failed- to hold in a laugh. Germany paused his wiggles and stared at Japan-He couldn't do much else with his limbs tangled up- before glaring, "Japan, YOU AN ASS!"

Japan raised a delicate Asian brow-hey it was hard to be that gorgeous-at his friend, "Why did you sound like China?"

Germany coughed awkwardly in embarrassment as he tried to untangle himself. He went through several knots and body positions that looked non-to-comfortable before the curtain let him go. He dusted himself off and stood up, huffing as he pulled a jar of hair gel from his pocket and used Japan's sword as a mirror to apply the gunk.

"Use my sword rike that again and I'rr cut you, motherfucker."

Germany nodded, deciding it was best not to argue as he shifted to prepare himself for the scene.

Japan stands in front of him, "G-Germany…!"

Germany only shakes, his teeth chattering loudly, making a sound that was really beginning to get on Japan's nerves, along with that SHIVERING.

"Germany, where are the others? Have they farren down the werr? Did you eat?"

Germany's teeth chattering halts for a second, giving Japan a 'Dumbass-are-you-fucking-psycho-look' which may have been warranted since Japan was beginning to twitch a bit.

Japan sighed, "You rook shaken. I'rr go get you something to sip on, you are so rucky I rike you."

"Thank-you!" Germany calls after him, prompting Japan to growl in annoyance before meandering back downstairs. He knew for a fact that the kitchen sink was broken, so where would he… The bathroom!

Japan went back to the bathroom and turned on the faucet, which miraculously worked, before pausing. Did Germany really deserve this water? All the blonde did was yell, win a jump rope contest, play hop-scotch with him, eat wurst, baked cookies with him, showed up to his birthday party as a bunny, and had sex with Italy while he hid in the closet, recording it… Yeah, Japan decided that he'd give him the water.

He skipped back up the stairs and towards Germany. "Germany I brought you some water, but now I don't feer rike giving it to you. I'm thirsty myself actuarry."

"Japan, you are a cruel man."

"Werr, I don't want it anymore, so you can have it." Japan stated, not trusting the colour, "Here. It's not firtered water though…"

"Well, than fuck that shit it's not clean."

Japan swiftly punched Germany in the crotch, causing the blonde to gasp. Japan then pulled him by the hair and poured the water down his throat. Once all gone he let go and settled as Germany's face soured.

"I-is that really water?"

Japan huffed, hadn't he said it was. "No, it's magicar bean juice. They're arso cookies in the kitchen."

Germany looked at him seriously, "Really? Why didn't you bring them?"

Japan facepalmed.

"I'm taking that as a no then?"

The screen blinked off momentarily as Japan had to be restrained from strangling the German, since that would be bad.

"I see... Anyway, sorry for falling apart like that. I feel much better now thanks to you." Germany said, smiling as the lights changed to a sunset theme and Japan was nearly blinded by his smile. It was so… Germany stared at Japan in concern when he began to foam at the mouth and fell onto the floor, flopping a bit like he was having a seizure for a few moments.

Japan then bolted up, nearly giving Germany a heart attack, and took a deep breath, "That's good to hear. So, where are the others?"

Germany laughed nervously, his mouth twitching a bit in slight fear at the way Japan was looking at him. "I'm...not sure. At any rate, we ran for our lives...And those two went in different directions... I think. Sorry, just... give me a moment to pull myself together." Germany stated, holding the bridge of his nose like he was deep in thought.

Japan nodded, it was safer for the German to be far, faaaaaaaaaaar away when he was in cute-obsessive mode. It was so embarrassing, and it was taking Japan all he had not to just jump him right there and then. "Arr right. I'rr rook for those two. Try to get some rest."

Japan quickly tried to run out of the room when Germany grabbed his arm, "Baby come back, you can blame it all on me." The German tucked a few strands of black hair behind the Asian's ear, his face coming ever so closer he held Japan's face and being held by those strong hands, and then the approaching lips-

"Japan! Are you alright?" Germany asked, knocking Japan from his daydream. He blushed ten shades of red, almost rivaling the time when Taiwan got her period.

"Y-yes, I'm fine. I'rr be right back… Soon." Japan stuttered out.

Germany shifted his gaze to the side, looking a bit regretful for not helping the Asian man, "... Oh, by the way, I found this when I was running. Maybe it can be of some use to you?"

Nope, all remorse gone~

Japan took the key and pocketed it, before swiftly pivoting on his heel and dashing away, almost tripping down the stairs.

* * *

A/N: Welcome my pretties to the end of part one of this fic, mwahhahahahahaha!

At this time we would like to thank the reviewers.

SakuraMoriChan- Thank you for being the first reviewer! We hope you enjoy the chapters and hilarity that are coming up.

pengirl100and2-You have reviewed twice! Thank you very much! –Cries tears of joy- References are indeed made of sparkles, German sparkle parties and England's sparkles.

Myrna Maeve – Yes, I have seen a few things from PewDiePie, he's one of the ones who mock AoOni, the poor confused purple-blue ape. Hope you continue reading!

Also, we do not own the song 'I will survive' by someone...I forget who, but we no own it!

**PREVIEW OF PART TWO**

"_Chopsticks rift tabre, hyaa!"_

"_Chopsticks can read book, whhhooo prots."_

"_Chopsticks frush toiret! They change diaper, change pictures on warrs, eat me…Werr, maybe not that rast one…BUT they can arso.."_

Yup, shorty preview is short!


	4. Finally Made Me Insane

Warnings: Grey ass, perverted scenes, EXTREME CUSSING, talking objects, fire, the abuse of announcers, mention of drugs, Uboa, speeches that aren't innocent, long-annoying names, chopsticks, birth, extreme cuteness, Ignorance of atmosphere, and **Japan's L's are R's**.

* * *

**Chapter Two: Finally Made Me Insane**

**(Part One)**

Japan walks calmly down the hall, humming a cheery tune to himself, bobbing his head from side to side as he popped his gum a few times before arriving at the library door. He slowly took out the key Germany gave him while still moving in sync with his humming.

The door didn't unlock.

Japan stared at it a moment, momentarily stopping his humming, before switching the key in another direction, but the door still wouldn't open. Japan rattled the knob, gripping it tightly and moving it every which way, yet it still wouldn't budge. With an angry huff, he grasped the knob with both hands, placing a leg on the wall, and began to pull. He tugged, moving the knob, even standing on the wall somehow, but the door still would not open. Finally, he stopped, out of breath as his brow began to twitch angrily. In irritation he kicked the door.

The door swung open.

Japan stared at the now open door, feeling embarrassed. The door opened inwards, not outwards. Oopsies... He coughed awkwardly, glancing around to make sure no one had seen his mistake before quickly entering. Only to freeze momentarily as he spotted the... the... "Rarge grey ass?" The words came out nearly in a whisper and, like a noodle, he wobbled to the floor barely comprehending what he had just seen. "There is no way... It can't be.. This is not rear... Is it?" He looked up again, the doom clouds above him as the purple lines neared his face in foreboding doom, but saw nothing.

On his hands and knees, Japan slowly began to ebb closer into the room. So far, he didn't see anything. He stood up and walked into the room, "Of course, it's just my imagination... And the creepy music that are-" He halted, something catching his attention from the corner of his eye... Something grey. Ever so slowly, like he was stuttering, his face turned to the right. There, half hidden by a shelf, was a prominent grey ass. It was bent, high in the air, and wiggling, almost beckoning him to go over and hit it, to slap it good and hard... He still had Germany's whip...Wait..

Japan snapped out of his perverted thoughts when he realized something. It hadn't been a dream. The ass was real. It was... It was... Oh Sweet Buddha.

Japan dived under a lone table, but instead of rolling under it, he misjudged and soared across the table, hit the wall on the opposite side and slid down, effectively hitting his head on the floor. He tried to jump up, but hit his head on the wall again. His torso went forward in pain only to smash his forehead against the tabletop.

"Hory fucking sweet Rord of Cornwarris!" He shouted, clutching his head in his hands, still half on the table.  
He grumbled angrily, nearly in tears and wanting an ice-pack, hentai manga, and maybe some mochi to eat. Japan slowly looked ahead, his head resting on his arms, when he shot up, cringing as his head throbbed and his vision swam a bit. Once it cleared he stared at the object, rubbed his eyes and stared again in disbelief.

"Hey, take a picture, it'll last longer you son of a bitch! What are you looking at, huh you poor excuse for a man? What the hell are you wearing? Is that cotton or cardboard?" The rice ball yelled.

Japan only stared.

"What, ya never seen a talking rice ball? You assholes are all the same. YEAH, I TALK! Gotta problem with that? Let's go, bro! You and me, one on one, I'll take ya!" The rice ball yelled, hopping in place.

Suddenly the music began to get louder and Japan grabbed the rice ball and hid under the table. "What's the big idea, put me down or I'll-" Japan covered what would have been the rice ball's mouth, if it had a mouth... Which it doesn't, but just bear with me here. So while the rice ball was trying to shriek and bit him with its nonexistent teeth, Japan was sweating as he tried to shut it up nicely, and Iruka still wouldn't leave the Hokage alone about One Piece.

Finally, Japan just got irritated. "Shut your mouth you rittre asshore or I'rr..."

Warning: The rest has been deemed too graphic, disturbing, offensive to all rice balls, drivers, cats, slingshots, bees, and sentient coral... Along with paper shredders and pregnant men.

The rice ball silenced itself and fled into Japan's pocket, crying silently to itself as it mumbled insults. Japan sighed in relief before screaming as something peered under the table at him. "UBOA!" He attempted to jump up, somehow forgetting he was cowering under a table, and smacked his head again, blood pouring from the wound.

"Ow, not again."

"Did somebody say 'Ow'?" A female voice called out. Japan looked over and felt his jaw drop. A tall blonde in impossibly high-heels, a tiny nurse outfit that was opened to reveal almost all her cleavage, and a clipboard resting in her hands crouched under the table, making her way towards him. Japan's nose began to bleed.

"Oh, don't worry darling. Doctor Barbie will fix you all up." She whispered into his ear before pulling his head onto her chest while stroking his hair. "My, my, you seem really hot, do you have a fever..."

Japan began to stammer uncontrollably as she neared him, holding his face... Suddenly the lights began to blink on and off. Japan screamed, drawing his sword as he pushed Barbie away from him. "You are not Barbie!"

"What are you-"

"You're Poniko and Uboa! You riar!" Japan cried out.

The busty blonde looked down and began to shake, angry tick marks beginning to appear, before fire began to surround her metaphorically, but real enough to burn the poor nation. "Liar? Me? You an ass! I work my ass off at this stupid job and this is what I get? I didn't sign up to work in a mental ward, you know! I could've been something! I could've become a teacher or a porn-star! Instead, I listened to my mother and became a doctor." She began to cry, make-up streaming down her face as she got up and ran away, which should have been impossible in those impossible heels, leaving Japan stunned in more ways than one.

The lights stopped flickering and Japan decided it was time to get up. He crawled out from under the table and sighed, this mansion was seriously fucked up... how did that girl get in anyway... Nope, he wasn't going to dwell on it now, the creepy music was back... Along with the breathing.

"Risten, Barbie, I'm rearry sor-" He stopped once he fully turned around. It wasn't Barbie. "Grey-ass!" He exclaimed, pointing at it from across his side of the table. The creature moved, and Japan moved opposite, like a mirror. For a few minutes they stood like that until Japan swiped with his paddle at the puck, but the thing sent it back.

Announcer: And the Grey-thinger fires back, but Japan blocks, firing a..OH MY what's this? The iron fan? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this air hockey match has just gotten serious! It fires back and, OH NO! Grey-ass-a-mabob thing scores! Things are not looking good for Japan, there's only ten seconds left in the game and that ugly-ass-thing is winning by a point! Can Japan win, will the fire ferrets advance to the championship, will a name finally be given to that ass?

"Hey, shut up, baka!" Japan shouted, throwing a book at the announcer.

Announcer: Japan has thrown a book, which is currently hurtling towards my head. I think he plans to knock me out.

Japan concentrated, ignoring the announcers pained scream and the thump of their body hitting the ground, allowing the cannibals to appear and drag him away. He needed this point, he needed to win this... HE HAD TO CATCH THEM ALL!

"The power of Satan compels you!" Japan fired, then realized his mistake, "I mean Jesus!" The puck began to slow, it was going to miss. "Fine! Satan! I choose you!" The puck picked up speed, jumped off the table and slapped the gray-thingy before flying back to the table and entering just as the buzzer went off, ending the game.

It was a tie.

"Werr then...Goodbye!" Japan bowed and made a run for it, hurrying through the shelves when he suddenly tripped over a book. "READ ME!" It screamed, flying onto Japan's face. After rolling on the floor and attempting to get the book off him, Japan succeeded and drop kicked the book then paused, "I rearned dismissar."

Japan quickly dashed back towards the door. It was locked. He began to search for his key, stripping but still couldn't find it. "Where is it?"

"Pssst, asswipe," The rice ball whispered, "It's in the back of the room to the left, in the corner."

"How did it get there! Did I throw it?" Japan angrily asked, glaring at the ceiling.

"How the hell s-should I know?" The rice ball yelled back.

Japan picked it up by its would-be-head. "What did you do?"

"W-well I may have thrown 'im..." Japan waited for the rest of the answer. "Hey, he was an asshole! He called you a slut and tried to key me! I have a wife! So I tol' 'im, no funny business and he kept trying to. He's a pedo!"

Japan sighed, "We'rr have to go back."

"Whatcha mean by 'we'?" Japan simply glared at the food. "Right, one for all and all for one, BUT I'M NOT SHARING A POCKET WITH THAT THING!"

Japan sighed as the ball of rice settled back down into his pocket. He made a mad dash back to the corner, avoiding the Thing by hiding behind its back, moving as he did.

Finally he picked up the missing key.

"Yaaahoooo, boy did I miss ya my main man, my sexy-boy, how 'bout you move a lil' closer and place me a lil' somewhere, ya get me?" The key said, waggling its unseen eyebrows.

Japan shuddered, "The rice barr was right."

"Oh, man don' listen to that ninny, we cool, right?"

Japan only sighed again before tensing as something grabbed his ass from behind.

"Ah, hell naw! He mine bitch!" The key yelled, jumping out of Japan's hand and stabbing the creature in the eye, "Back off ya drag queen!" The hand released Japan's now throbbing ass, allowing him to grab the key before it was crushed. "He mad man! He really fucking mad!" The key yelled, grabbing onto Japan's sleeve as the nation drew his sword.

"Rast time, our fight ended in a draw. This time I'rr make sashimi out of you." Japan stated, readying for the fight. The creature stood up and jumped at him, trying to do a South Korea DAZEE! Japan retaliated by blocking it, but it sent him back a bit.

Announcer: Round two has begun and so far things don't seem to be going good for Japan! The forceful blows are backing him into a corner, literally! Now, what's this? There seems to be some illegal groping going on! I don't know what game the refs are watching, but that was definitely an illegal groping! Japan is stunned! Ladies and gentlemen...Woah! Head shot! Japan fires back with a headbutt! And he's gaining some ground, is this what I believe it is..Yes it..It's!

"Shut the fuck up you asshole! What the hell is up with your extremely annoying voice? What the hell is that stuff on your face? Do you kiss your wife with that facial hair? It's no wonder she's doing your brother in the backroom!" The Rice ball screamed, punching the announcer out, then pulled out a cellphone from the man's pocket, "Yeah, Dewwy, send them in. He's all yours."

While that was happening Japan had managed to push the Thingmabob back far enough only to start moving towards it. "Hey, man whatcho doin'? You ain't supposed to approach them things that gonna kill ya!"

"Hord on." Japan stated seriously, quickly pivoting on his heel as the thing began to run at him again. He dashed back towards the corner, "WE AIN'T GONNA MAKE IT!", only to flip off the wall and over the thing's head. He, in mid-air, kicked off the side wall and somersault onto the top of the bookcase. The key sighed in relief and was readying to complain when Japan took off, running along the bookcases towards the door.

The creature was growing closer as Japan switched to the ground, nearly making it when _It _appeared behind him. "Key, I choose you!" The key flew through the air, nonexistent eyes staring at his destination in determination. "KEY!" The key shouted, landing in the lock,

"Would you like to unlock the door?"

Japan nearly fell over as the grey-thingy appeared behind him, "Oh, do I rearry have to think about it?"

"My man, stop being a smartass and choose!"

"Unrock!"

"..I don't have a rock."

"Open the damn door!" Japan screamed, and the key huffed before unlocking the door, and flinging it open, hitting the creature in the nose as Japan dodged to the side and dived out.

"Hurry, close the door!" The key called, hopping towards him. Japan lunged for the knob, only for it to fall off the door.

"Aw, shit, we screwed!" The Key cried, nearly in tears.

"Throw it here!"

"Rice barr?" Japan said, looking at the food that was by the door.

"I said throw it you messy-low-class-piece-of-shit!"

"But, what wirr happen to you?"

"Just hurry!"

Japan nodded, tossing it the knob and running away, the key clutched in his hand, "My hero." It mumbled sadly.

They ran back to the entrance way, stopping to breathe heavily, "Wha... What on Earth was that THING? Sweet Rord, I have to find the others as soon as possibre." Japan said, almost in disbelief at what just happened.

"My man, listen to meh words! We gotta go back! We gotta get 'em, ya feel me? We can't jus' leave 'em there, ya know?" The Key voiced, making its way into Japan's fanny-pack.

The Japanese man sighed, "Yes, we'rr go back..."

"Uh, man, to go back means ya gotta move."

"I know what it means."

"Man, you scared? You a douche, 'ey fine. I'll go myself." The key jumped out of his pocket and made its way back down the hall.

"Dear Rord, I'm rearry pathetic, a key that shourdn't even be abre to move is braver than me..." He crouched on the ground in self-pity.

_Japan._

Japan looked up, "Rord, is that you?"

"_NO! Over here."_

Japan looked at the door and gasped, "Stephano?"

"_Yes, it is I, Stephano, the one who helped _the _PewDie of Pie."_

"But what are you doing here?"

"_Well, In your momentary depression, you finished off your first stash of drugs."_

"Oh, I'rr have to get more rater...So, I'm harrucinating?"

"_Yes, now listen to my words."_

"But I'm harrucinating, why shourd I risten?"

"_Because I'm going to give you some helpful speech so shut your face and listen up!" –__Ahem- "Japan, bravery is only a seven letter word, as is buttsex, and like a male stripper you must give yourself to others."_

"So I shourd be a prostitute?"

"_No, you should be like that key and rice ball and do what they have, be brave and sacrifice what you can, and no breakdancing."_

Japan nodded in a stupor, "I think I understand, thank you."

"_Go now, young grasshopper."_

"Right!" Japan yelled, standing up only to clutch his stomach and throw up, "As soon as I stop."

After two more minutes of throwing up, another of brushing his teeth and spitting in the hallway, and then taking his blood pressure, and deeming it too high, he was ready! Japan walked back to the library and entered, the door was slightly open anyway.

"My man! Over here!" The Key called from the center of the room, along with Rice ball and another key.

"What is going on?" Japan asked curiously, "Are you arright, Rice barr?"

The rice ball winked, the rest of him wrapped in bandages, "Yeah, but next time I tell your dumbass to leave me, remember that I'm lying."

"I'm sorry." Japan apologized, starring at the floor.

"Whatever, you ass, but I claim your shoulder and pocket, fucker." Rice ball said, sniffing.

Japan smiled, "Arright."

"Man, you both gay, now shut it! You'll wake the baby!" The Key stated, indicating to the new key.

"Baby?"

"Yeah, problem?"

Japan didn't bother to question it, he was already talking to a rice ball and key, so why not include a baby key into the mix?

"My man, to avoid confusion I'll tell ya my name, ya get me? Pickitmehunnywunnybunsmic'shady, but ya can call me Shady." The Key, Shady, stated.

"If you're going to be exchanging names then mine is Kamisamamicshamalamasamaaaaaa-kun**, **or just Mamic for short, asshole!"

"And once this one wakes up, it'll tell us their name, ya feeling me?"

Japan, who had been kneeling as they talked amongst themselves, suddenly realized something, "A key? I hadn't noticed it before... Did that Thing drop it during the fight?"

The two objects shrugged, before Shady realized something also, "But...It didn't have pockets, ya see?

The three deadpanned and stared at the new key, the phrase 'Oh God' flashing through their minds. "Holy mother fucking shit! We all touched that baby too!"

Japan quickly took out his disinfecting spray and hosed the key down, let it dry, and sprayed it again. "There, I think that shourd do it." Japan picked up the key and pocketed it, in his other pocket that wasn't claimed by a cussing Rice ball named Mamic.

"Well, we should find the door that the key opens, ya feel me?" Shady stated while hopping into Japan's fanny-pack as Mamic hopped into the nation's pocket.

"Yes, that is a good idea." Japan stated while walking out of the library.

Three floors and many doors later, the trio arrived at the fourth floor. The first door wouldn't open, but the second one did! They walked in and began to investigate.

"My fellow food senses are tingling~" Mamic stated, looking at the bookcase in the upper right hand side of the room, "Behind that bookcase..."

"My man, ya heard! Get yo cute ass a-movin' and move that obstacle." Shady demanded.

Japan sighed and pushed the bookcase to the left, revealing MochiMerica.

"A mochi? Are you stuck?" Japan questioned, taking out chopsticks.

"Naw, he just there fo' the hella it, man." Shady sarcastically retorted, winking at the mochi as it cowered away from the key.

"What the hell are you going to use chopsticks for?"

Japan blinked, "To get the mochi out."

Mamic and Shady laughed from the floor, "Boy, what the hell can chopsticks do?" The two stopped, Mamic hitting Shady as he kept cackling and indicated towards Japan who was beginning to shake. Fire began to cover the room, again metaphorically, but just enough that Shady could make smores. Japan pulled out a pair of chopsticks, fire in his eyes, "Don't underestimate the chopsticks!"

He moved over towards the table, "Chopsticks rift tabre, hyaaa!" The table was lifted as Japan stood underneath it, the wooden sticks placed correctly in his capable hands. He moved back towards the bookcase, "Chopsticks can read book, whhhooo prots!" He began to move to each object, "Chopsticks frush toiret! They change diaper, change pictures on warrs, eat me... Werr maybe not that rast one...BUT, they can arso be used to kirr."

The three stared, wide-eyes as Japan began to chuckle darkly to himself, not sure what to do when suddenly Japan crumbled to the ground, holding his pocket.

"The baby!" Shady cried, throwing away his fear and jumping onto Japan, "Quicklay boy, your pocket! It's time!"

After two long hours, Japan's pocket finally gave birth to the baby key that was found in the library. It was a cute girl, weighing nearly nothing and wasn't even an inch tall. Japan cut up a part of the carpet and made a makeshift blanket out of it, using it to gently wrap the baby key in it.

"She's so cute." Shady said, "A thing like this... It really changes a key, it reminds him that he can live forever, that he has a purpose in this world. I've spent my life chasing after anything that I can, living day by day, only trusting myself, but now..."

"Awe, Shady." Japan started, tears threatening to fall.

"IMMA KILL WHOEVER TOUCHES HER! One wrong look and 'em asses 'll die! Ya feel me?"

Mamic grinned maliciously, "Yeah, we'll kill those assholes!"

Japan couldn't help it, "I'rr srice them in harf!"

The three began to cackle as the mochi sweatdropped, these three were its saviours, seriously?

"Pa...Pa...Papa!" The baby key said, her big nonexistent eyes staring up at Japan.

Japan smiled, the happy tears falling down his face, "Yes, that is right, I'm your Papa. Wercome to the worrd. These are your uncles, Mamic and Shady."

"Hello, I'm Uncle Mamic." The Rice ball introduced, "We're going to help your Papa."

"Hey, cutie! I'm Uncle Shady!" The baby key looked at the other key and began to cry.

"You fucker! You're scaring the baby!"

As the two argued, Japan calmed the baby key down, "It's arright, Shady's an idiot, but he's a good guy...er...Key, I mean."

"Do you have a name?" Mamic asked, "Shady said keys are born with names."

"Can you terr Papa your name?" Japan asked the little key, which nodded and tried to stand.

"My n-name i-is Beifongshwonglongjohnmatong, or Bei-fong. I'm a metal bwender, hyaa!" She said before falling over, unable to stand for long at that point in time.

~So cute~ The four other occupants thought.

Bei-fong yawned cutely, rubbing her eyes.

"Are you tired?" Japan asked kindly, chuckling when the little key denied it while yawning. He tucked Bei-fong into his fanny-pack gently, moving everything else around to give her room to sleep. Once she was asleep he conversed with the others, "I can't get you out... Not rike this." He stated-hey, giving birth is difficult work-then paused, "Germany might be abre to though. I wonder if he wourd come here for that...Then again, maybe I wirr have to get _him _out...No, anyway, I'rr ask him."

Japan headed back to the second floor and entered the room Germany was in, only instead of a curtain, there was an...iron door?

"Wha...? Was that door here before? Rast time it was a curtain...I'm sure this wasn't here..." Japan voiced aloud, walking towards the strange door and knocking on it, "Germany...Do you have a minute?"

The man didn't even bother to open the door and invite him in, "Is that you, Japan? What's the matter? Are you high again?"

Japan threw a lamp at the door, "NO! There's a mochi stuck in a wall upstairs on the fourth floor! I can't get it out, so move that ass of yours to the fourth floor and help me!"

"...Japan, did you notice that your accent disappears at times when you get extremely irritated?" Germany asked.

Japan rolled his eyes, "I hadn't noticed." He gritted out, crossing his arms, ignoring how Shady and Mamic were insisting he just cut the door in half and beat the man.

"Really? It's noticeable." Germany replied, ignoring the other man's tapping foot, "I can help, but I need a little favour."

"I can herp you," Japan said dangerously, "What do you need?"

"You see... When I was running, I dropped my whip. I think _we _should have some kind of weapon in case that _Thing _shows up again."

"I have a weapon." Japan stated.

"If it's not too much trouble, could you please look for it?" Germany asked, ignoring Japan's comment.

"What a coincidence," Japan started sarcastically, "I found your whip awhire ago. Arong with whatever was dripping from it. I wonder what it was exactry?"

Germany was silent. "...Grape juice, I spilled a pouch of-" "It wasn't purpre."

"Japan! Just hand it over or I'll be forced to hurt you!"

"What did you just say?" Japan asked dangerously, "How dare you speak that way to me! You have no idea what I have been through! Let me take off my earrings so I can kick your sexy German ass!"

"You think my ass is sexy?" Germany asked, opening the door, "Would you like a piece of it?"

Japan scrunched up his nose before slapping Germany in the face, "Honey, if you wanted to get in my pants, you shourd of done so rast chapter." With that, Japan threw the whip at him, "Here, I found it on the bed down the harr. You shourdn't hit on me, Itary rearry roves you."

Germany stared at the whip quietly, "I see... Thank you, for everything."

Japan pulled out a cigarette and lit it, "Don't thank me, not yet. Now, let's go to the fourth floor."

"Ah, Japan... I'm sorry, but-" Germany quickly shut the door, barely avoiding the fist that dented the metal, "But I'm starving. Don't you have anything for me to eat?"

"Do I look like a maid, you fucker! How about I cut off your toes and fry them, hmmm? How does that sound, huh?" Japan screeched, pounding on the metal.

"So, you don't have anything?"

"What do you think!" Japan screeched, assuring Mamic that Germany wouldn't eat him.

"Can you go find something?"

Japan stopped, speaking slowly, "We are in a supposed haunted mansion, there is a _Thing _that wants to kirr us, our friends are missing, and _you _want something to eat?"

"...Yes?" Germany replied, "Please! I have no energy right now! Anything is fine..."

"How about German flambé?"

"As long as it's edible and _not_ _me_."

"Papa, what's all that noise?" Bei-fong asked sleepily.

"Nothing, just go back to sleep." Japan said softly to her before doing a 180 when turning back towards the door, "I'rr take a rook since I have to find Itary anyway."

"Thank you! By the way, have you found my brother?"

'Didn't I say earrier that _two_ of our friends are _missing_?' Japan thought. Why did his friend have to be so sexy but stupid? "No, but I'm sure he's fine... Probabry scared it off with his 'wanna see my five meters' question."

"Sorry for all the trouble, here take this with you." Germany called, quickly pushing a bottle of beer into Japan's hands before reclosing the iron door.

"Beer? You mean you...you had this the whole time! What else do you have in there? Donuts?" Japan seethed, "I demand respect! Spell it now! R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me you blonde ass!"

"Papa, what's beer?" Bei-fong asked, still sleepy.

Japan froze, "It's a...umm..." He turned towards Shady and Mamic for help.

"It's a type of...juice!" Shady finally said.

"Juice? Can I have some?"

"No, it's bad juice. Nasty and rotten." Mamic added.

"That's right honey, now go back to sreep."

"Okay."

"Japan, who are you talking to?" Germany called, but Japan only gave him the finger and quietly left, letting the man panic that the _Thing _was in the room. He would realize later that it wasn't, but until then Japan could enjoy his squirming.

* * *

**A/N: **Heehee, hello readers of the net! How are ya doing? Did you enjoy the chapter? It turned out different than what was planned like Shady and Mamic...So unplanned. Anyway, my sister wasn't sure if you all would get the Uboa and Poniko reference, so I'll just say now that they're from Yume Nikki. Poniko turns into an Uboa? Something like that. Sentient coral is from Magical Starsign, well the coral part is...

Note: Sorry I haven't replied to anyone's reviews! I've just been busy with a summer reading assignment and...well...sleeping. X) Also, this is the longest chapter ( Over 5,000 words)! Yayz!

So drop a review! We love to hear from you all! What cha' think of our new characters? The battle scene?

Ice cream is good, no?

**Preview for Next Chapter**

_"What? Why are they so expensive?"_

_"Where else are you going to find a magical toilet that allows you to purchase these, you're paying for quality too." The woman spoke._

And...

_"Now, where can I use the toiret?"_

_"That will be an additional fifty Heta."_

_"You have to be kidding me!"_


	5. Finally Made Me Insane II

Warnings: Talking toilets, Grey ass, perverted scenes, CUSSING, talking objects, fire, the abuse of announcers, mention of drugs, stalker song, random parties, mentions of cannibalism, lying, insanity, mental Germany, flies, fighting, girly screams, soap-opera worthy scenes, plot holes that are ignored, Brit, JAPAN'S L's ARE R's, and plot.

* * *

Chapter Two: Finally Made Me Insane

(Part Two)

Japan was heading downstairs when nature called. He ran towards the bathroom and was readying to go when the toilet started flashing and an annoying carnival or circus tune started playing. An almost robotic female voice started to speak, "Welcome to Tolitrea, we have quite a selection, once you've decided what you want please insert Heta into the toilet bowl. If you do not have Heta, please insert your current currency into the tank and Heta will be distributed from the toilet paper roll." before repeating.

"Arright, I prace my current currency in here and it comes out here." Japan mumbled to himself, taking his Heta from the toilet paper. He poked the top of the tank and a selection appeared, rice balls and beer.

"What? Why are they so expensive?"

"Where else are you going to find a magical toilet that allows you to purchase these? You're paying for quality too." The woman spoke.

Japan blinked, deciding to go with it. "What can I buy?"

After several minutes of bargaining and intense sighing, Japan bought another beer and rice ball. "Now, where can I use the toiret?"

"That will be an additional fifty Heta."

"You have to be kidding me!"

"Toilet paper doesn't buy itself."

"Point taken." Japan inserted the correct Heta.

Feeling refreshed and less antsy, he exited only to stop. The door to his right, the one where he first saw the gray-ass disappear into, was open. "Nope, no way, it's obviousry a trap."

"My man, come on, ya can do it!" Shady called out from his spot in one of Japan's pockets.

"Where's Mamic?" Japan asked. Usually the Rice ball would be cursing up a storm.

"Bathroom, ate somethin' bad, ya know?" Japan couldn't help but wonder if this could be considered cannibalism, but then decided not to dwell on it.

"Werr... I don't know." Japan stated, referring to the foreboding door.

"Ya can do it!"

"Then why are you moving away?"

The key laughed, "My main man, Imma jus' stay back to make sure nobody would try sneakin' up behin' ya, ya feel me?"

"Uh-huh." Japan stated, walking into the doorway, "It's rerry dark. Where's the switch?" He ran his hand along the wall until finding it, he flicked the switch up. "My eyes, curse you fruorescence burbs!"

Once his eyes adjusted he saw a large gray wall, "Wow, what a horribre painting job." He glanced up and came face to face with the Thing. "Nope." He turned around to walk out, but Shady stopped him.

"What are you doing? Get back in there! Kick his large grey ass!"

The man really didn't have time to reply as it grabbed his love-handles tightly, swaying back and forth as Every Breath You Take by the Police came on.

_Every breath you take_

_Every move you make_

_Every bond you break_

_Every step you take_

**I'll Be WAtChiNg YoU**

Japan shivered at that last line before throwing his head back and knocking into the thing's would-be-chin. The creature shrieked like a little girl and backed into the room, glaring at Japan.

**I'll Be WAtChiNg YoU**

Then proceeded to turn off the light. Japan sighed in relief as he stupidly walked in once the creepy music disappeared. He went to flick on the light when the door slammed closed behind him. 'Oh no. THE MUSIC WAS A LIE!' Japan thought in a panic, trying to swivel around in the dark, getting dizzy, and nearly puking until slamming into the door.

"Hey! ParttttttAAAAA!" Shady yelled and suddenly there was a glowstick where he was.

"Stop knocking into me you fucking fruit loop!" Mamic yelled, "I'm trying to put up these damn lights!"

"Excuse me, but when did you arr get here?" Japan asked, staring at the single glow stick in the dark room.

"We slipped in a while ago, ya see?" Shady remarked as Japan deadpanned.

"What happened to watching my back?!"

"I WAS LYING!" Shady yelled, "Well, not really, but I saw dis guy and followed him in."

"What are you doing, Mamic?" Japan asked after sighing.  
Suddenly strobe lights flashed on and off, glowsticks in all shapes and sizes appeared, and music began to play loudly, causing the walls to vibrate.

"Won't we wake up the kid?" Mamic asked, uncharacteristically being considerate.

"Nope. The fanny pack is soundproof." Japan replied over the noise as Shady put glowsticks all over him.

"She heard Germany and you."

Where did arr this beer come from?" Japan asked.

"We're just going to ignore this fucking plothole, aren't we." Mamic said to himself before taking a chug of his own beer.

"No, seriousry, where did this beer come from."

"Don' ask me, that cutie had it." Shady replied, pointing to Mamic.

"You don't have any money." Japan stated.

"I'm a kleptomaniac!" Mamic heatedly replied, "I just bugged the machine."

"You shourdn't do that."

"I saved a few beers and riceballs for later."

"Nevermind."

"MY SONG! This is my song!" Shady screamed before starting to dance.

_DISCO POGO Dingalingaling Dingalingaling_

_Every Atze is singin'_

_DISCO POGO Dingalingaling Dingalingaling_

_Every Atze is singin'_

Soon all three of them were raving, sweating, and breaking out some killer moves. All the rice balls were gushing over them, screaming. One of them even threw their wrap at them while yelling, "I love you!" at Japan. Those of us watching from the monitor were only recording the scene while laughing our asses off, and one of the robots broke from the pure sexyness.

"Hey! Hey! Over here, mew~" A voice called over the loud music, which caused Japan to pause and look down to see a key. For some reason he couldn't begin to imagine, the key seemed to have the voice of a busty woman with the mentality of a neko. Against his better judgement, he picked it up.

"Hallo, my name is Katramanushkawindsha, or just Kat! Mew~" Japan nearly cried. Why did he have to be right? Besides that just why did these inanimate objects have such outlandish names? They were almost as bad as Agnes, Beulah, Gladys, Bernice, Gertrude, or even Yong Soo's gropes, but that's another story.

" two are Mamic and Shady."

"I smell fresh blood. You had a baby, mew~?" Japan sweatdropped.  
"Yes, Bei-fong."

"Kawaiiiiiii!" Japan didn't know what to do as the key opened the pouch and peered in. Alas, this also let the music pour in and the noise caused Bei-fong to start crying as she was so rudely awakened.

"Why me?"

* * *

**ELSEWHERES!**

"Mmmmm, beer." Germany stated to himself as he tipped back the bottle, "Nothing like good ol' German beer after some hard labour." He looked down at the wooden dog he'd made, "Right, Edelgard?" Germany quickly made a _woof_ sound and petted the dog lovingly, "Yes it is, who's a good boy? If bruder isn't dead, you can chew on his shoe, yes, yes you can."

**BACK TO JAPAN**

Japan, after calming Bei-fong down and pocketing Kat, heads up to the second floor. He followed Kat's instructions and arrived at the door and slowly unlocked it. As he stepped in the panther theme song coming on.

"You forgot to lock the door, mew~" Kat shouted, causing Japan to trip. "Lock the door~ Lock the door~ Lock the door~ Mew." She sang happily, swaying a bit.

"SHUT-UP!" Mamic yelled, doing a SMOSH.

The two began to bicker until Japan locked the door and set them on the floor, leaving them as he walked around. He spotted a uniform on the wall that oddly looked like Prussia's, it even was in his thinking pose: squatting like he was taking a number two.

Japan stared at the back of the uniform, debating whether or not he should poke it with a stick or crotch cloth. So, he decided to do both. He was given a stick from Mamic, which would not be questioned since when it was he just insisted that he 'found it'...Right.

Step One: Forcefully try to shove stick up ass.  
Step Two: Throw crotch cloth at victim-errrr-Prussia's uniform.  
Step Three: Dodge Prussia, which is actually not a uniform, as he swings a sword in surprise and accidentally cuts his crotch cloth.  
Step Four: Laugh hysterically as Prussia drops his sword in favor of grasping his poor ass while crying over crotch cloth.

"What the hell was that for!?" The Prussian screamed, but Japan could barely take him seriously as the Prussian was still half squatting.

Japan tried to compose himself, "Werr, you see, what happened was..."

"What?"

"You brended in with the warr so I onry saw the uniform."

"Why would the awesome me be streaking here?"

"You wourd brend right in with the warrs."

"...The awesome me now wants to try this." He stood up straight, before wincing, "Seriously, I'm too awesome for butt pain."

'Butt pain... Buttsex...Seven letter word...What the hell?' Japan thought to himself as his head began to hurt, but it sounded so really needed to lay off the drugs for half a chapter.

"Kesesesese, what about buttsex?" Japan blushed as Prussia slung an arm around his shoulder. He hadn't meant to talk out loud.

"N-nothing. W-" He was cut off in favor of Prussia grabbing him by the shoulders and shaking him like a bobble-head toy.

"There-there was a monster! I saw it! A stark-naked giant the colour of rotten scones! Oh god! It was sooo ugly!"

"As ugry as your-"

"We all saw it! Me and West and Italy, too! It nearly grabbed my ass!"

Japan was REALLY tired of getting interupted so he did the next best thing. He played Fatal frame. ALL OF THEM.

"...Am I making any sense?" Prussia finally finished his long-ass explanation that, for some reason, included much talk about claiming vital regions.

"About as much as Itsuki calling Mio Yae, and her not correcting him."

"So, perfect sense! I'm so awesome!"

Japan didn't bother replying as he saved his game, letting Prussia ramble on about having to find the others. The Prussian even started to turn blue from all the air he was wasting, and fell, unable to breathe.

Japan sighed before straddling Prussia and giving mouth to mouth. Once the Prussian was breathing, the Japanese man ran a hand through Prussia's silvery locks. "Carm, I saw it too. I know where your dick of a bruder is, and he's hungry. I don't know where Itary is, but he runs faster than anything I know when needed. Do you have any idea where he could be, hm?"

"No My Queen." Prussia replied, entranced.

Japan's eye twitched as he grabbed a rock and was about to brutally exterminate the other nation when he saw Prussia's zipper was down. With a shriek Japan jumped back against the wall, his pace pale. "W-what i-is the m-meaning of t-t-that!?"

Prussia sat up, unsure of what riled his Jap-chan's tengu feathers...Wait, did he seriously call Japan his? He stared at the other nation and decided sake wasn't too bad (though it would NEVER rival German beer), so he did call Japan his.

Japan shivered at the silver-haired man's laughing, but remembered he was stupid and the far corner smelled funky, so he probably didn't notice the problem. "Zip up your fry!"

Prussia rose a brow before looking down. He threw his head back and laughed before smirking, moving closer to Japan. "Wanna see my nine meters?"

Something snapped inside Japan, like a string trying to hold a fat man or like someone's ears exploding after listening to the Nyan Cat theme song for longer than they could stand, causing them to explode in fire and fly through the sky faster than a speeding bullet, maybe even superman, until reaching it's destination and punching the creator(s) of Nyan cat in the face, dying a heroic death...

Anyway, Japan snapped.

Brandishing a sword, Japan lunged at Prussia rearing for a fight.

Announcer: Japan has lunged at Prussia in rage! Holy smokes folks! It's clear that ninjas and special slow motion effects really originated in Japan!

**At Word Meeting**

: No! They originated in me DAZEE!  
Austria: You there, what are you yelling about, hm?!  
: I...Don't know.  
Austria: I will demonstrate my anger by playing the piano!  
: NO! Chopin! THE TORTURE, which, ORIGINATED IN ME DAZEE!

**Back To Prussia and Japan**

Announcer: WOAH! Prussia has just screamed like a schoolgirl, but the adrenaline is kicking and...WHAT IS THIS!? He does a Neo from the matrix! A back-bend, just barely missing Japan's blade! Holy SMOKES! That was close, but Japan doesn't seem like he's going to miss again! If Prussia doesn't hurry and get his head in the game he may lose it, literally!

"That's an awful pun you son of a bitch!" Mamic yelled from the audience, shuffling up onto the announcers shoulder. "You're horrible! Go home and suck your mama's di-"

"Mew." Kat cried cheerfully, brandishing a Japan-shirt and flags. "COME ON YOU PUSSY WIPE! SHAKE WHAT YA MAMA GAVE YA! FIGHT! FIGHT! BLOOD! RIPE OF HIS SHIRT! MURDER HIM! BWAHAHAHWGAGAHAHHA!"

The announcer and Mamic shrunk away from Kat, her dark aura making them nearly piss themselves.

"You'll never win!" Japan yelled, standing up. His uniform's buttons were undone, showing off his chest, as he ripped a part of his shirt and tied it around his hand that he usually held his sword with. He steadied himself, raising the blade with both hands so that it aligned with his ear, the blade pointing straight at Prussia.

Prussia stood up also, wiping the blood that was dripping into his eye away. "Just watch me, I'll defeat you and rule over soul society!"

"Wrong anime you stupid fuck!" Mamic yelled, but was ignored.

Prussia did a few hand seals and held his wrist with his other arm, pointing towards the ground, "CHIDORI!"

The two nations began to run at each other in slow motion, so slow that the Announcer had enough time to call his cousin from Alaska, talk with him about paintball, make a note for his other cousins plastic surgery that had gone awry and made her lips as big as Angelina Jolie's (but without the sexy), and head all the way to the 90th floor for some subway.

Finally, the two were about to hit one another!

Only, the floorboards broke. Prussia lunged forwards and grabbed Japan's hand before he could fall.

"W-why? Why are you saving me?" Japan asked, staring into the man's large red orbs.

"We shouldn't fight anymore. Italy is still missing and my un-awesome bruder needs to eat."

"I-is that the onry reason? Am I just a toor for you to use?"

"What? No, that would be un-awesome of me. I need you around, we're partners."  
"Fuck that! I will not be your Sebastien without Ciel! Japan answered, but it was only a front. His hand was slipping and the boards wouldn't hold both of them. "Prussia, terr Germany that I was the one who wrecked his car and destroyed his oven so he couldn't bake anymore."

"No, you have to tell him your self." Prussia replied dramatically, grasping onto his hand tighter. Suddenly he was smacked with the hilt of Japan's sword.

"You're shitting me! If I tell him he'll go Nazi-zombie on me! I'll die!"

"Oh." Prussia and Japan stayed in that position awhile as the former thought it all over. "I got it! I'm so awesome, why don't you live and we don't have to tell him anything!"

Japan looked up and pouted a bit, "Can we tease him with food too?"

"Sure." With that settled Prussia pulled Japan up and they moved away from the wreckage, sitting down on one of the beds that actually survived the battle and proceeded to nurse their wounds, acting like a cute couple.

"That was...anti-climatic." Shady deadpanned.

Mamic nodded, "Just what it the author thinking? This..." Mamic waved at Prussia and Japan, "is getting sappy."

"No, it's beautiful. You can take this scene many ways, but the constant bickering and fighting is like that of brothers or best friends. Love may bloom from this moment, or it may continue being a nurturing friendship that will have it's storms, but never truly destroyed." The others turned in surprise to see Kat, only instead of her normal scatterbrained or even the darker aura they had witnessed, there was a calmness and a sense of wisdom beyond what they knew. "Tuna, mew~"

Moment ruined.

* * *

"Do you even have anything to eat?" Japan asked, trying to button his shirt and failing due to the bandages on his right hand.

Prussia rolled his eyes and turned to button Japan's shirt, "Yeah, the awesome me found some mushrooms while running."

Japan blushed but saw his opportunity and zipped up Prussia's fly. "That should do."

Prussia was dumbstruck and just looked at Japan, unsure of which he meant.

"For Germany." Japan stated while laughing to himself in his head at the man's reaction.

"Yeah, the awesome me knew that!" Prussia started but was cut off.

_Hey I just met you_

_And this is crazy_

_But here's my number_

_CALL ME MAYBE!_

"TURN IT OFF! I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING!" Prussia screamed, trying to cover his poor ears. He looked up from the floor and saw Japan smirking, earplugs blocking out the noise.

"You are one cruel man."

"Germany and you really lack creativity." Japan stated. He could read lip.

"I love this song!" The announcer yelled, dancing and lip-syncing. This was a surprise since it would be more in character for Kat to like it, but the female key had snapped and sharpened one of her flags from earlier and was stalking around, looking for the source of the noise to exterminate it.

The music suddenly cut off as the door was pushed against. The two nations froze, hearing the creepy music that the song hid. "If that thing on your waist isn't for show, pull it out of your scabbard." Prussia whispered as Japan slowly took out his earplugs and pocketed them.

"It's tired from our earlier fight. You're stupid is very tiring." Japan insulted.

**Knock, knock**

"Who is it, mew~?" Kat called, snapping out of her other mode.

No one expected an answer, but there was.

"Steve~"

Kat turned back to Japan, "Japan, it's Steve, mew." She then turned back to the door, "What's your business, Mew~?"

"Pizza delivery."

"Oh-kay-dae, mew~" Kat moved towards the knob.

"Kat, nooo!" Japan yelled out, his hand reaching towards her.

"Who are you talking to?" Prussia asked, staring at Japan with a raised silverbrow.

Japan ignored him, it figured that he would be the only one who could see them. "Kat, don't do it!"

Kat turned to look back at him. "Tuna, mew~?"

Japan stared blankly until Kat, still facing him, back stepped towards the door. "Yes! Tuna! lots and lots of tuna! Just DO NOT open the door!"

"Okay, mew~!" Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, except Prussia who was very confused.

After a bit all was quiet. Japan crawled out, having to drag Prussia out after him. "It's gone. Come out."

"Are you sure?" Prussia asked hesitantly. At Japan's nod the Prussian let go of Japan and pranced around the room, "That wasn't so scary, Kesesesese!"

"Says the one who nearly pissed himself." Shady teased as the keys and the rice ball regrouped on Japan. The Japanese man had to hold in a laugh as he turned to face Prussia.

"We should find Italy and feed your brother, and get out of here as soon as possible."

Prussia laughed, "Let's go."

He threw open the door after unlocking it and stepped into the hall with Japan. Only, instead of wall there was a-

"Dickless scone monster!" Prussia screeched, fainting into Japan's arms.

Japan didn't even think twice before pulling Prussia up and bitch-slapping him a dozen times. "Purr yourself together! All that big talk was a farce? Pussy, you aren't so awesome now, you are worse than a fat marshmallow trying to steal my cookies!"

Prussia stopped Japan's hand from slapping him again, shrugging out of the man's grasp. "Thanks, I was being unawesome." He brandished his weapon and turned to the monster.

As the three fought, the inanimate objects conversed.

"Just why are the fucking villains so polite? If I was that monster I would have fucking beat their asses while they were arguing like women!" Mamic ranted before being hit by Kat's flag from earlier.

"Heehee, gomenasai! Accident, mew~" She stated, but Mamic didn't believe it for a second.

"My peeps, where did th' announcer go?" Shady asked. They paused to think.

"Maybe the bathroom, mew~?" Kat guessed, and they moved on, forgetting the announcer.

"Holy crap! Just die! You're health is gone! Is this broken!?" Prussia yelled as he jumped back towards Japan, both out of breath. "We should run."

The creature lunged at them, boxing them in.

**"YoU wIlL NoT EsCApe!"**

"Damn man! Your breath stinks, you need some orbit!" Prussia yelled, nearly gagging at the monster's horrible breath. He took a pack of orbit out of his pocket and threw it at the monster. The gum landed in his mouth, causing him to chew and choke.

From behind them a perky voice said, "Dirty mouth clean it up with Orbit."

The monster was ready to yell, his now white teeth shining.

"Fabulous."

Not liking the flavor or the blonde the monster whirled around like Loki did to Thor and hit her. The woman fell over, but quickly got back up and with her heavily accented voice screamed, "Oh, it's on now bitch!" before tackling him.

Japan and Prussia watched, each of them eating a rice ball that Mamic had stolen earlier. The fight was pretty amusing, to say the least. That orbit white girl could fight! She was sucker punching, round-house kicking, and just kicking this monsters ass. They each made a mental note to never insult Orbit commercials again.

The blonde pulled out a machine gun.

And when the zombie apocalypse occurred they wanted her on their side.

"We should go~ We should go~ Back to Germany~, mew!" Kat reminded Japan.

Nodding, he slapped Prussia and began to walk quietly around the fight. He turned around and slapped Prussia again when he stepped on a squeaky board, and the only thing the Prussian could do what pout or glare at the Japanese man. It wasn't his fault that he wasn't a ninja! He was just made of awesome!

Once far enough away they dashed into the room Japan knew Germany was hiding in. They closed the door and leaned against it, processing what just happened.

"Hey, aren't we pussies for letting a girl defend us?" Prussia remarked, interrupting Japan's silent freaking out.

"No, the pussy is the strongest body part know to man." Japan replied, "We should be more concerned that these strange people keep popping up."

"What?" Japan sighed. Of course his companion wouldn't know about the Doctor Barbie-Uboa from earlier, the inanimate objects, or Stephano.

"I'rr terr you rater."

"Hey, Japan the awesome me has noticed something." Prussia whispered, suddenly serious. "Since you snapped and attacked me earlier your accent has been going in and out."

Japan tried to think about it, but it was like something inside of him had shut down. Without wanting to, he began to walk towards the iron door that Germany was behind. As he knocked, Japan faintly recalled Germany saying something along the same lines earlier.

"This is the fortress where Germany is." Japan stated, and Prussia seemed to go with his companions sudden strange behavior, taking a step and knocking on the iron door.

"It's pretty solid. Hey, West! Japan told me you were hungry! D'you want some mushrooms?" The only sound was a woof. The two gave each other 'what-the-hell looks and knocked again.

"Germany?" Japan called.

_Woof. Woof._ "Germany is no longer here, please go away."

"Germany!"

Growling sounds came from behind the door.

"Great, he's slipped again." Prussia said with a sigh, "Edelgard, I need my bruder, it's very important."

_Woof. Woof._

Prussia rolled his eyes, "I didn't want to resort to this but he leaves me no choice." He motioned for Japan to move away from the door, "Bruder! The Pictos are back and they've stolen Italy and all the beer! They even stole your pastry book!"

Within two seconds Germany threw open the door and ran out, screaming about his pastry book and Italy. Prussia sighed before taking out a syringe and injecting the liquid into his brother's neck. The German's words became illegible and slurred as he slumped onto the floor.

Japan watched as Prussia picked up a wooden dog. "We meet again, Edelgard." Prussia stated as he pulled out a match.

_Woof. __**YUu'lL nevR sToP mE**_**!** Prussia threw the match on the wooden dog, watching solemnly as it burned into ash.

'Maybe I'm not the only insane one after all.' Japan internally sighed in relief.

Germany grumbled from the floor, waking up. "B-bruder? Is t-that you? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine! But I have bad news, too. Italy is still missing! And we have to help a mochi." Prussia stated, not bothering to help him up.

"Okay, I'm done here so let's go."

"I don't really get what we're supposed to do, but let's go to the fourth floor!"

"Can we come back here once in awhile?" Germany asked.

"Why yes, I'm fine Germany. Thank you for asking!" Japan fumed, "Do you actually like narrow spaces?"

"Well, you could say I'm… used to them. There's a lot of room, though."

"Of course, you stupid virgin." Japan bit out before turning away in anger.

"What's his problem?" Germany mumbled, causing Prussia to facepalm at his stupid younger brother.

"Here, you're hungry, right?" Prussia stated, handing Germany the mushrooms, before whispering, "Don't make Japan angry, he's had a rough day. You should thank him for his hospitality, he ran in circles just for you."

Germany nodded, "I'm sorry, Japan. I wasn't thinking clearly."

Japan rolled his eyes, "We've wasted enough time and I'm so out of character it's not even funny."

They all headed upstairs and once in the room, Prussia and Germany hurried over to the mochi and studied it.

"It's stuck pretty deep… Can you do it, West?"

Germany didn't answer, he tugged on the mochi but it wouldn't budge. The macho blond tried many positions and several techniques, but it was fruitless, the mochi was really stuck.

"Ugh! Sorry. I can't do it with my bare hands. Maybe if I had some kind of tool…"

Japan sighed as the other objects convinced him to relent and look for a tool. "It's a big house, I'rr go and see what I can find."

"Thank-you Japan." Germany replied, eating another mushroom.

"Oh, well. I guess we'll have to split up again to look for it." Prussia remarked, walking back to Japan's side. He looked over to see Germany attempt to pull the mochi out and laughed, "Awesome face."

"We'rr be back."

"Exploration team Awesome!"

"No."

"Come on, we need an awesome team name!"

Japan sighed, he was doing that a lot lately, but with these guys it really wasn't a surprise.

"Watch it with that thing!" Mamic yelled at Kat, who had swung her flag near him. She continued laughing happily as Shady held Mamic back from hitting her.

"Tuna~, mew~!"

**ELSEWHERE**

Silently, so as not to be heard, the clean up crew was cleaning up the aftermath of Prussia and Japan's battle. One of them was about to burn the destroyed bed when a hand appeared. For half a second the clean-up guy froze before hitting the thing over and over.

Once it stopped moving the guy took a step forward and cautiously moved the debris away to reveal a person. He pulled out a walkie-talkie, "Commander, we have a situation."

"There's always a situation! You can't phone in to say 'hi' once in awhile?! God! What is it?" Savannah grumbled into her head set.

"There's a guy in the wreckage, he appears to still be breathing."

"Kill him with fire!"

"But he's a person!"

"Identification?"

After a minute the guy replied, "Yes, he appears to be the announcer."

Savannah snapped her fingers, "So that's what happened to him! Just leave him in the closet after fixing him up."

"Wait, he's waking up-AHHH!"

"STOP SCREAMING THIS IS HOOKED UP TO MY EAR!" Savannah screamed out, before hitting a few buttons and looking up at the screen.

On the screen the announcer had just killed her employee and was eating him, the other members of the clean up crew were currently teleporting back to headquarters.

"Shit, I liked that clean-up guy." Savannah stated before dialing another number, "I told him to kill it with fire."

"Agent hubbywubbywuvsyou reporting for duty."

Savannah sat back in her comfy chair and began to file her nails, "The announcer has turned into a zombie and will probably try hunting everyone down. I need you to find a replacement."

"Instead of finding a replacement shouldn't you be more worried about saving the cast?!"

"Of course I am, but right now I can't destroy him without a replacement so chop chop."

The doors opened behind her and Ao Oni stomped in. "Hey, why aren't you embarrassing Steve yet!"

Savannah only took a sip of her juice, "In due time everyone, in due time."

"But my revenge!"

"Quiet! You're ruining the tension-building! Sheesh, I have to do everything don't I? Kuro get started on the replacement and call in a few others to defeat the announcer. Ao Oni...go get Chris-chan, threaten to eat her if she doesn't want to come. I'm not running all this by myself!"

"Fine." The two replied before leaving.

Savannah smiled, switching the screen back to watching Pewdiepie play Ao Oni, she would deal with the announcer later...Maybe.

* * *

**AN: That's chapter two! Hope you all have enjoyed the random, cracky, and at times insane chapter! I am looking forward to hearing from you all. I would like to apologize for the late update, school has been crazy, and the fact that this chapter is done is because I'm ill at the moment.**

I'm not feeling too well, so I shall not be listing the reviewers, but please know I love you all platonically! Also, thank you to the followers and favorites, I platonically love you too.

I understand most of you don't read the authors note (Shame on you), but I shall still include this preview! 

~Preview~

_"STAIRS?! Why do I have to take stairs to heaven? Screw it, I'm going to Hell!"_

_"Don't do it! NO!"_

**Okay, so I don't really have a preview! :'( Sorry guys!**


	6. Japan Loses His Trousers

Warnings: Johns, doors, language, seductiveness, abuse, references, images, evil birds, mentions of drugs, levers, holes, hinted cannibalism, songs/singing, **JAPAN'S L's ARE R's**, and randomness.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Japan loses his trousers **

**(Part One)**

Japan sighed as he closed the door. Everything in this creep-o mansion seemed intent on either irking him or scaring him to the point of soiling his johns, which would be rather disgusting since he was wearing white-He was a boss like that-and the fact that he hadn't thought to bring a spare pair of underwear. He glanced at Prussia who had his finger in his mouth, searching for some corn he had stuck back there...Or maybe he was attempting to make himself throw up to the point of passing out...That or trying to collapse his esophagus on itself. "I am not creaning that up."

Prussia looked over at him, "Wahtt?" Japan sighed and walked passed him towards the locked door. He gripped the knob and turned it. It wouldn't open.

"Here let the Awesome ME try!" Prussia yelled, taking his finger out of his mouth. Japan rolled his eyes, the door was locked. No ifs ands or buts...

The door opened.

Prussia grinned and looked smugly back at Japan. The smaller Nation seemed murderous, promoting the albino into moving away before he exploded. And it wouldn't be the good kind of explosion.

"What the HELL?! You stupid hores just like Germans, don't you!" He accused. Prussia calmly painted his nails a stunning shade of blue before proceeding to take pictures of himself as Japan released his anger by angrily kicking and punching the door.

"YOU STUPID BAKA" Prussia posed on the floor, one finger seductively on his lips while his other long fingers were lightly curled into his palm. His long legs were spread across the floor, only one was slightly propped up. His uniform jacket and shirt were open down the middle.

"REPENT MOTHERFUCKER!" Prussia took a moment to adjust, moving his head back to expose his neck. He placed one hand over it, making sure to show off the rings and nail polish as he did.

"DIE!" Prussia stood, only to promptly be kicked in the face. As he twirled and collided with the floor only one thought crossed his mind. He just chipped a nail.

Japan stared silently as Prussia collapsed on the floor, knowing it was better to just watch for the moment. The man shakily got to his knees, staring at something Japan couldn't see, as the albino's back was facing him. Within seconds he saw a blue aura surround the other man, only to suddenly change to yellow. Muscled ripped open Prussia's shirt, and it was overly done and really gross to look at. It was sort of like walking in on your grandparents having sex, only to discover that it was a threesome with the hot lifeguard. Horrifying but mind boggling at the same time.

"You." Prussia seethed, rising to his now bulky legs. Japan nearly gagged when the veins started pulsing. "You..." Japan looked up to meet one of the most horrific sights he'd ever seen, the one before it was when he'd walked in on Romania chewing off Austria's head only to soil the body while Hungary was holding a pitchfork, laughing as she stabbed some servant who had called yaoi gross.

"You're really fucked up, mew~" Kat sang giddily. When Japan looked down he nearly screamed. Did Kat have fangs like that before?

"I'm a gato, mew~"

"When the fuck did you learn Spanish?!" Mamic yelled, but Japan decided to ignore them. He was supposed to be looking at Prussia and his ugly veins.

"You bitch!" Prussia came at him like an animal, ready to strike. Japan braced himself. What happened was a little...strange. Prussia girlishly hit him in the chest a few time, whining about his nails and how they were chipped. "You're so mean! How could you?!"

Japan just stared before slapping the man across the face. "Eat a snickers."

Prussia took the candy and ate it, turning back into himself.

"Better?"

He nodded. "Thanks."

Pause.

"Kesesesesesese, I didn't know keyholes were whores. Screw my bruder! Everyone loves the Prussian, 'cause I get all the bitches."

Japan rolled his eyes at the delayed statement. Truly everyone was an idiot. "You know what I meant."

Prussia laughed, "Of course, but you're unusually emotional. It's fun to mess with ya."

Japan looked down. He wasn't blind, of course he had noticed that he wasn't as reserved as he usually would be. Something was wrong with him...Besides the drugs. He must have done something really awful to deserve this. Maybe it was because he hugged that CareBear yesterday, or a few days ago when he huggled those kittens, or maybe it's because he hadn't hit Prussia enough. That was probably it.

"Hey, look over there!" Prussia yelled, pointing at a barred window. Just before the iron bars was a parakeet. Strange. There weren't any animals before.

"It's a bird. What wourd it be doing here?" Prussia looked down at his friend and frowned. Japan's face was slightly awed, but hollow, and weary that this bird was a trick of sorts, or an illusion. A silly thought since Prussia himself could see it clearly! The albino decided he didn't like that look, so he stalked over to the bird and reached out for it.

Instead of gently holding the bird and letting Japan stroke the feathers, the bird decided to bite Prussia's finger, claw at his earring and face, and let's not forget the spitting. Prussia waved the bird off, jerking wildly, glaring at the offending creature as it limply flew off, chuckling a little.

Prussia cursed after it before Japan's laughter drew his attention. The man was on the floor. Laughing. He rolled around, holding his sides. "Hey! That really hurt! What if it had rabies?"

"Oh, can't the armighty Prussia take on a rittre parakeet?" Japan smugly replied as he tried to stop laughing.

When Prussia had said that he didn't like the sad expression on Japan's face, he meant that embarrassment and anger suited him more, NOT laughter at his expense. This was not fair! But, Prussia was too awesome so he just laughed too, calling profanities out the window at the bird as a show of bravado. "Hmph, if I ever see that bird again, I'll make fried chicken out of it!"

Japan rolled his eyes, not bothering to correct him as he entered the room. Prussia was about to follow when he heard a noise behind him.

**~Tweet Tweet~**

Prussia froze, slowly turning around and paling, more so than he already was. The parakeet glared at him through the bars. It had brought friends. Just how did they fly while wearing boxing gloves anyway? Did one of them have...nunchucks?

_We're lookin for you_

_We gon find you_

_We gon find you_

_So you can run and tell that,_

_Run and tell that_

_Run and tell that, homeboy_

_Home, home, homeboy_

_We got your t-shirt_

_You done left fingerprints and all_

_You are so dumb_

_You are really dumb-for real~_

Prussia pivoted and ran into the other room, slamming the door behind him. He had to find Romano and HIDE HIM! ...Which means he would have to find a way out first. He looked at Japan, thinking. He didn't want to ditch the poor guy, after all he should take his wallet too. Nah, he already had West's wallet and Japan's sword was a lot sharper than a whip...Shit, fangirls just got ideas. Oh well.

* * *

Japan had already found a piece of paper upon entering the room, finding it on a seemingly normal table. As he glanced up he noticed a switch on the wall and walked over to it in confusion. He had already turned on the lights, so it couldn't have been a lightswitch.

As he examined it Japan noticed a plaque near it that read:

Up is Heaven

Middle is Earth

Down is Hell

Japan peered closer, smaller script catching his eye.

_Stairs to Heaven_

"Stairs?! Why do I have to take the stairs to Heaven? Screw it. I'm going to Herr."

"PULL THE LEVER! Mew~" Kat yelled, laughing obnoxiously as Japan began to pull the lever down.

Prussia jumped over the sofa, ducking as a vase was thrown at him. "NO! Don't do it!"

Japan swiftly kicked Prussia in the gut without even turning, pulling the lever down. From the wall to his left a red shiny button appeared, above it in flashing neon letters were the words: DO NOT PUSH. So what was Japan to do other than push the button?

The lights shut off as electricity traced itself along the walls and floors. Prussia shook Japan, screaming while Kat laughed hysterically, taking out a fish on a stick and placing it in the current to fry.

A few seconds later one of the beds in the room began to move. Soon after the electricity stopped and the lights came back on, but Prussia and Japan were still screaming and shaking one another. Kat was eating her fried fish happily as Mamic deadpanned silently, refusing the other fish Kat offered to him. Mamic, for a rice ball, was sure that he was the only sane one at this moment.

How was that German guy not hearing them? They were right across the hall!

**WITH GERMANY**

"_You're a teaser, you turn 'em on _

_Leave them burning and then you're gone _

_Looking out for another, anyone will do _

_You're in the mood for a dance _

_And when you get the chance... _

_You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen _

_Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine _

_You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life _

_See that girl, watch that scene, diggin' the dancing queen." _

Germany sang into the broken chair leg as he danced on the sofa. He closed his eyes and let go, pouring his heart out on the stage for the fans. He was dressed in a pink dress, his hair down to frame his face, and his heels-which he had kicked off at some time-were white.

MochiMerica was crying in the corner he was stuck in. He was never getting out, was he? All his saviours were either weak or drugged up on something. The German had looked promising, but then he ate those mushrooms, and now..now...

"Nein! Get off my stage!" The German yelled, swinging the chair leg at something only he saw.

MochiMerica cried harder.

**BACK TO JAPAN AND PRUSSIA**

The two had significantly calmed down after shaking each other to the point of passing out. Which did happen. Upon waking they wrestled over a comb, broke it into pieces and it somehow landed in the hole that the moved bed revealed.

The two nations stood, looking down into the dark hole, wondering if fixing their erect hair was worth the jump. "It seems like a trap. Just how far down is it?" Prussia questioned. "Terr me when you rand." Japan stated as he pushed Prussia into the hole. "Mary, no! AHHHHHHH!"

Prussia hit the ground and winced as his face smacked into the floor. He blacked out for what seemed like hours, but was actually ten seconds. He opened his eyes, fluttering them in the bright light, "Am I in Heaven? Old Fritz?"

Something heavy landed on his back, sending his face hurtling back onto the floor. "Fu-"

"You brend rearry werr." Japan noted, digging his shoes into Prussia's back before stepping off of him.

Prussia moaned in pain. "That switch was right, this is Hell." He slowly got up, cracking his back in the process. "God! You're heavy, you know that?"

"Says the second macho potato."

"Hey, only Roma can call me that!"

Japan smiled coyly. "Oh, maybe I shourd terr Spain that, he'rr rike it more."

If Prussia could become paler than he already was, then he would have, but since he couldn't he merely gulped, "Okay! You're not heavy, geez! You're such a girl! Why are you such a bitch? You're always so mean to me!"

Japan gave him the eye before placing one hand on his hip and using his other hand to snap in a Z formation as he said, "Because I can." Somehow throughout that process Japan's notebook appeared and was being written upon.

"...How is that?"

"Don't question it." Japan ordered, shoving the notepad and pencil back into his pocket before walking around the room, which was almost whiter than Prussia. In the center of the room was a piano, a grand piano the colour of bone when poking through skin at the wrong angle, covered in blood.

"Japan...I think Zydrate comes in a little glass vial."

"A little glass vial?" Japan asked.

"A little glass vial! (Mew~)" Mamic and Kat echoed.

"You need to go." Japan stated.

"But I went before we arrived." Japan facepalmed.

"No, I mean as in reave. You're a fauking disgrace."

"But Japan-"

"I SAID YOU'RE A DISGRACE! Go away!"

Prussia pouted, "Fine! Maybe I will!" He walked to the door and paused before turning to face Japan, "You'll regret this. I was the best you ever had! BRUDER!"

"I'm sorry, but I must ret you go. I courdn't bare if you were harmed." Japan softly spoke, watching the Prussian stomp off, slamming the door behind him as he no doubt went to find Germany.

Japan sighed, doing an Austria as he expressed his displeasure by playing the piano for a minute and then leaving. He concluded he was on the third floor and that the door across the hall should be unlocked because it would make little to no sense at all.

The room was large and filled with rows of book cases. He slowly skimmed through the books, reading a few sentences here and there. It was a few minutes later when someone can up behind him, but Japan was far too engrossed with the adult book he was reading to notice. Well, until he was poked in the side. Japan jumped and spun around only to be greeted with a steaming plate of pasta.

"Itary!" Japan stated, looking up at the Nation who looked...Creepy? It was probably just the blood on his boots and the barely noticeable dried clumps of blood in his hair...Or maybe that was pasta sauce. Japan wasn't too sure why, but it was like someone was covering up something and planting other ideas into his brain.

"Pasta~ Pasta~ Japan, you see nothing wrong, hmm?" Italy whispered, forcing Japan to take a bite. The Asian man's eyes dilated before returning to normal. "I-Itary? I-is it rearry you?"

"Japan!"

"Yes, thank God. Now bend over bitch."

"What?"

Japan coughed awkwardly, throwing the novel somewhere behind him. "What happened to you?"

"Right after you left, a ghost with a large grey autobus suddenly appeared from the hallway and chased after us! Prussia thought it was a prank so he stopped but the Thing spanked him really hard! Germany was the first to scream like a lil' bitch. Did you hear him? He was louder than someone on francium mixed with Hatsune Miku."

Japan shivered at the name, remembering the leek from earlier. "No, I didn't hear him. He's so gay."

Italy smiled innocently. "Aren't we all? Germany's scream really scared me. I thought he turned straight! So, I ran away in confusion and left you behind. I'm sorry, Japan...But the front door wouldn't open no matter what I did! I tried feeding it pasta, stabbing it, lighting it on fire, using a power drill, screaming at it while insulting it's mother, spreading butter on it, bathing myself in butter, and I even told it I would drive it anywhere it wanted! In the end the other two were pansies and ran off!"

Japan merely blinked, thinking back to the book he was just reading and coughing.

"Are you catching a cold? You should eat pasta~" Italy suggested.

"No, I'm fine. Itary, there is no need to apologize, you're actions were justified. Right now we need to focus on the bigger probrem."

Italy smiled creepily, "Revenge on Prussia and Doitsu~?"

Japan smiled with him, "That too, but we arso need to figure out what is going on in this house and a way to get out. The windows are barred or can't be open, and our cerrphones don't work, either."

"Yup. It looks like we're locked up." The two Nations shared a look. Suddenly a bar cage appeared and strobe lights began to flash. Smoke came out of nowhere as the lights exposed them. Italy was in a pair of black and white striped booty-shorts, heels, and a cropped top. Japan was wearing the same colours only his shirt was longer,sleeveless and opened in a V, his pants were longer, and he wore one black and one white glove. (**Japan. **_Italy. __**Both.**_)

_Hello, hello baby you called? _

_I can't hear a thing_

_I have got no service_

_In the club, you see, see_

_Wha-Wha-What did you say, _

_Oh, you're breaking up on me_

_Sorry, I cannot hear you_

_I'm kinda busy._

**K-kinda busy**

**K-kinda busy**

**Sorry, I cannot hear you, I'm kinda busy.**

_Just a second, _

_It's my favorite song they're gonna play_

_And I cannot text you with_

_A drink in my hand, eh_

_You should've made some plans with me, _

_You knew that I was free._

_And now you won't stop calling me; _

_I'm kinda busy._

**Stop callin', stop callin', **

**I don't wanna think anymore! **

**I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.**

**Stop callin', stop callin', **

**I don't wanna talk anymore! **

**I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.**

_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh_

**Stop telephonin' me! **

_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh_

**I'm busy! **

_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh_

**Stop telephonin' me! **

_Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh_

_**You can call all you want, **_

_**But there's no one home, **_

_**And you're not gonna reach my telephone! **_

_**Cuz I'm out in the club, **_

_**And I'm sippin' that bubb, **_

_**And you're not gonna reach my telephone! **_

_**Call when you want, **_

_**But there's no one home, **_

_**And you're not gonna reach my telephone! **_

_**Cuz I'm out in the club, **_

_**And I'm sippin' that bubb, **_

_**And you're not gonna reach my telephone! **_

Lyrics from: lyrics/l/lady_ ]

_Boy, the way you blowin' up my __phone_

_Won't make me leave no faster._

_Put my coat no faster, _

_Leave my girls no faster._

_I shoulda left my phone at home, _

_'Cause this is a disaster! _

_Callin' like a collector -_

_Sorry, I cannot answer! _

**Not that I don't like you, **

**I'm just at a party.**

**And I am sick and tired**

**Of my phone r-ringing.**

_Sometimes I feel like_

_I live in Grand Central Station._

_Tonight I'm not takin' no calls, _

_'Cause I'll be dancin'._

**'Cause I'll be dancin'**

**'Cause I'll be dancin'**

**Tonight I'm not takin' no calls, 'cause I'll be dancin'! **

_Stop callin', stop callin', _

_I don't wanna think anymore! _

_I left my head and my heart on the dance floor._

_Stop callin', stop callin', _

_I don't wanna talk anymore! _

_I left my head and my heart on the dance floor._

**Stop callin', stop callin', **

**I don't wanna think anymore! **

**I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.**

**Stop callin', stop callin', **

**I don't wanna talk anymore! **

**I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.**

**Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh**

_Stop telephonin' me! _

**Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh**

_I'm busy! _

**Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh**

_Stop telephonin' me! _

**Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh**

**Can call all you want, **

**But there's no one home, **

**You're not gonna reach my telephone! **

**'Cause I'm out in the club, **

**And I'm sippin' that bubb, **

**And you're not gonna reach my telephone! **

_Call when you want, _

_But there's no one home, _

_And you're not gonna reach my telephone! _

_'Cause I'm out in the club, _

_And I'm sippin' that bubb, _

_And you're not gonna reach my telephone! _

_**My telephone! **_

_**M-m-my telephone! **_

_'Cause I'm out in the club, _

_And I'm sippin' that bubb, _

_And you're not gonna reach my telephone! _

_**My telephone! **_

_**M-m-my telephone! **_

**'Cause I'm out in the club, **

**And I'm sippin' that bubb, **

**And you're not gonna reach **_**my telephone**_**!**

Japan and Italy posed, hanging onto the bars just as the lights went out. The lights returned to normal and the two were back in their regular uniforms, pretending like that number had never happened. "I'm so glad I found you, Japan!" Italy hugged him, "You make me feel so special."

Japan lightly pushed Italy away, holding him at shoulder length. "Itary, you're surprisingry carm about arr of this."

"Well, both those pansies were falling apart when the ghost appeared. I really wanted to cry and cling to Germany, but he was already clinging to himself. I found something you left behind and smelled it, and suddenly I felt really calm, but also hyper. When we split up I just crashed and I don't really remember anything. When I woke up I went looking for you all so we could find a way out."

"That makes sense...Say, was there anything reft in that bag?"

"No, why?"

Japan coughed again, "Anyway, I understand. I arso have experienced the same thing." Mamic started yelling objections at this, but Japan ignored him. "After seeing Germany break down and start his man period so suddenry, not to mention Prussia being annoying, yet caring. They really are pansies."

"Amen." The two clinked their wine glasses, not questioning where it came from or where it disappeared to.

"What became of them anyway?"

"They're upstairs, I'rr exprain the detairs on the way up. They are both worried about _you_. You shourd go and see them." Japan stated, staring into his wine glass, imagining the red liquid to be an apple. A round apple that could answer all his questions, could eat Germany, and could chomp a way out of the house and rule the world as Japan's sidekick. He really needed to lay off those horror movies.

"Let's go together! Here, I found some stuff when I was looking in locked closets and through embarrassing photo boxes, so I'll leave them with you!" Italy cheerfully stated, handing Japan five riceballs, three beers, and 150 Heta.

While on the way back Japan explained to Italy what had happened so far while Mamic stared at the other rice balls. He was glaring angrily at them, not wanting them in his pocket. A sudden thought entered his mind, and he hesitantly called out to the rice.

"What does thou putrid grain liketh?" One of them asked, his nose upturned. Mamic glared and a feeling overcame him, and he suddenly blacked out.

Upon awaking ten seconds later the three rice balls were missing. Only there wraps and a few grains of rice were left. Mamic licked his lips, not remembering how he managed to get butter on himself, but shrugged it off. Kat was looking at him funny from the pockets opening. "What the hell you lookin at!? Problem?"

Kat disappeared from view without a word, shyly moving away.

Japan and Italy entered the room on the fourth floor. Upon entering they all froze, literally. The ice cream machine malfunctioned. Anyway, the four nations all stared at each other silently for a time.

"THE THING! I FOUND A DIGIEGG!" Italy yelled, picking up a striped egg at his feet. "Maybe it'll be something that makes pasta~"

"Tsk. You're interrupting our strip class! Geez, doesn't anyone know how to knock anymore?" Prussia grumbled, flipping his short hair. Japan couldn't take him seriously, the Nation was too tense and his voice was strained. "Ita, Japan, listen to me! You can't stay here, this isn't your world! You belong to the world of light, not this...the darkness. The line I walk is dangerous and unhealthy, even though, Japan, you do drugs, which you should get help for, and talk to nonexistent entities...Which is really creepy. Anyway, Ita, you are a whiny baby, act like a bitch, kill people and eat pasta without getting fat, and have an obsession with a boy that thought you were a girl. Wait, you guys are pretty fucked up. Come join! WAIT, no, go live, don't worry about me!"

"What about me!?" Germany yelled indignantly.

"What about you?" Prussia replied, raising a silver brow.

"Excuse me, but I think something is wrong with Japan!" Italy yelled, looking at the Asian Nation. The man was shaking uncontrollably, but his posture was stricken and _far _to erect. "Japan...?" Italy said, but before he could touch him the Nation was off. He jumped behind Italy and threw an accusatory finger at the Thing.

"H-H-H-Hatsun-ne M-Miku...HATSUNE MIKU! _**HATSUNE MIKU**_!"

* * *

**AN: **So We've decided to break these chapters into three parts in hope that updates will be quicker, in a way. This chapter, in my opinion, is a bit tame compared to the rest. I'm really satisfied with this part. I thank you all for waiting, and I look forward to feedback.

_**~Preview~**_

A new side character

Morbid Memoirs of An Albino


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